If I had a phone

See, what I want out of a phone is this: it should be a solid, featureless shiny black block. Look like it’s made of black ice, or quartz, or black glass, something like that. With no external buttons or connectors at all. None. Then when you pick it up the screen lights up, and it’s all touch controlled.

That’d be brilliant, that would.

I can hear you saying: it’s gotta have external connections. And you are, I believe, wrong.

How do I charge it?
Induction charging, like the Palm Touchstone. Also, have the battery charge off wifi, assuming that that isn’t complete lies.
How do I change the battery?
You don’t, just like an iPod. It’s sealed inside.
How do I turn it on if it’s off?
Haven’t worked this one out yet, but it’s surely not beyond the wit of man. Shaking it would probably work.
How do I plug it into the computer?
Well, first of all, do you need to? Store all your stuff online. Yes, yes, copying songs onto it, assuming you actually have a personal music library rather than just using online storage, but even then with the new fast Bluetooth stuff, I’m not sure it’s that critical to have a USB cable. Also, wifi. Why can’t it be a server? Just copy stuff onto it over, I don’t know, webdav or something. Maybe you could do USB over induction, too.
How do the company build it if it’s one solid piece?
What do I look like, an engineer? If you can build a Lamborghini Gallardo this must be possible. Presumably you could build all the internals, put them in a mould shaped like the phone, and then pour molten lucite over it or something similar.
How do you get the SIM card into it?
Now this one I have not worked out, I admit it. Suggestions welcomed, some of which might include “just use Skype over wifi and don’t care about a mobile carrier”.

Of course, this is just pointless whining since it won’t happen, unless Nokia employ me as Head of Design. It is a source of constant frustration for me and probably for you too that it is not possible to do in hardware what we can do in software. I think of things that I want all the time and it’s just flat out not doable to make them. Hardware manufacturers of the world, you are letting me down egregiously. When we’re in the future, I don’t want my jetpack, I want affordable one-off creation of hardware items. Where’s my replicator?

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