The Matrix Revolutions

I saw Revolutions. A review crammed full of spoilers, so don’t read any further if you don’t want to be spoiled!

It was shit.

Not at all impressed.

The first part was boring and tedious bullshit (I actually fell asleep in the cinema for a few seconds until I was nudged!), the middle part was cliched war film bullshit, and the last part was incomprehensible bullshit.

Not a favourable assessment, I think you’ll agree.

It’s possible that it’s deep and meaningful and I am too stupid to understand it. Entirely possible. But I didn’t understand it. Not the end, anyway, and not most of the film either. For example:

  • Was it all a clever master plan by the Oracle or what?
  • When did Smith go from being a random ex-Agent who could duplicate himself to being such a serious threat to the whole fabric of existence that the machines were prepared to end the war just to be rid of him?
  • What the fuck did the little girl have to do with anything?
  • How lame was Bane, eh? “Ha haaa! I’m Smith in the real world, come to kick your arse, Neo! Ahaha! Oh, I’m dead.” He did manage to blind Neo, though, which leads me to:
  • Oh no, Neo’s blind, we’d better give him sight made out of fire so he’s not blind at all! What’s up with that? He already had special green Matrix vision; bloke must have forgotten what real colours look like.
  • Was there any point at all to the bit in the train station? The Train Man seemed to just be there to leer a bit and look menacing, and the Merovingian was barely even in it?
  • Why would you have Larry Fishburne on the payroll and not use him hardly at all? Criminal!
  • Keanu can’t emote for shit, either, looking at Trinity’s death scene.
  • The fighting was all arse! It was pretty arse in Reloaded, too, mind; don’t know whether this was just familiarity breeding contempt or something else.

Essentially, I could rant for hours about its sheer randomness. When we watched Reloaded, everyone said that it was obviously impossible to assess it without having seen Revolutions, because it was so obviously half a film. Having watched Revolutions, I’m still waiting for the second half of Reloaded, because that just wasn’t it. No questions raised by Reloaded were answered, hardly any plotlines resolved. In the midst of Reloaded’s plethora of random fight scenes and Neo superheroism it was at least not too difficult to find really good bits (Morpheus’ speech to Zion, the car chase, the Oracle’s explanation). I’m hard-pushed to find one thing I actually liked about Revolutions.

Words cannot describe how completely and abjectly let-down and disappointed I am by this.

Matrix Revolutions? Matrix Revulsions. Spare me the inevitable next film.

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