Critical Role

Linkable transcripts

Campaign 2 Episode 49

A Game of Names

CRWiki
# MATT
Hello everyone, and welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons.
# TRAVIS
We play Dungeons & Dragons!
# MATT
Like that. Before we get started, we have a few announcements to get into. First and foremost, I want to say thank you for all of our community members that came out for the art show this weekend. It went amazingly, it was great to meet a bunch of the artists we had the opportunity to.
Looking forward to meeting all those that we didn't have the opportunity to this time for hopefully future events. It went really well; we hope to do more community-centric things like this in the future. I'm very happy how it all turned out. The live show went really well. Thank you all for coming to that who could. That is coming out in February. Yes, so the VOD for The Search for Grog is coming out in February, we'll have details soon at critrole.com, so keep your eye peeled for that. Let's go ahead and bring it to our fantastic sponsorship for the evening. This week, we have our returning friends and family on the internet, D&D Beyond. Sam, if you don't mind.
# SAM
Guys, the campaign trail is heating up! As you know, I declared my candidacy for the president of D&D Beyond. I want to thank my constituents for their inventive slogans and mottos that they sent in. I wanted to read a few that you'll be seeing on the #SamforPresident campaign trail. These are just some of my favorites: "Yes We Cantrip!" Pretty good, by @j_viviano. "Nott, My President" by @alyssatombs.
(laughter)
"Crit's About to Get Real!" from @JetPackPaul. "I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Manticore," that's Arsequeef. "Putting the 'D' in D&D Beyond" by @JarsonKames, and "Stay Turnt" by Brian Foster, so those are some good ones.
# LAURA
That one's taken, though.
# SAM
Yes. Now, I may not know exactly what the president of D&D Beyond does, but I know that it's an important job, and therefore, I feel like I deserve it. But I can't win this race alone, so I'm going to need a campaign-- I'm sorry, a Sampaign manager, so I've enlisted our own Dani Carr to be my Sampaign manager. Yes.
Hi, Dani, thanks for coming tonight.
# DANI
Hi! You know, I really have more important things to do right now.
# SAM
I'm sure you do, but thank you for volunteering.
# DANI
You said you were paying me.
# SAM
I am, in the form of tape for your reel, so thank you. Anyway, Dani is here tonight to keep me on track as my campaign manager, as I launch into my first ever Sampaign rally speech. Ahem.
Friends, Critters, countrymen. D&D Beyond is a horrifying wasteland of shame, and only I can pull it from the foul, swampy depths of--
# DANI
Uh-uh.
# SAM
I mean, D&D Beyond is a wonderful app and a sponsor of this program, where you can build your favorite characters and track their adventures and treasures. Which is why I, Sam Riegel, will unceremoniously decimate its current president, leaving their bodies-- I mean, I'm eager to share my plans to improve this already excellent app.
Here is what the Sam for President Sampaign stands for: under my Riegelship, every character will come preloaded with one inspiration point.
Your default app background will be a picture of me. All characters get 69 hit points.
# TRAVIS
Oh, yeah!
# LAURA
No!
# SAM
Nope? Okay. You'll have a new option: a short rest, a long rest, or a sex nap. Ah! (laughter) Well, that's it for this rally, folks. Next time, we'll unveil my opponent, who will be...
To be determined. In fact, I would like you guys to tweet at me, at D&D Beyond, and, why not? At her, at Dani Carr--
# DANI
@ItsDaniCarr.
# SAM
@ItsDaniCarr, with the #SamforPresident, and tell me which one of these guys or gals I should run against. Yes, because it's going to be a fun, exciting battle for the White House, or Gray House, or whatever color the building is where D&D Beyond is. Anyway, thank you, and god bless Samerica! (groaning)
# MATT
Thank you, Sam.
# ALL
Thank you, Dani!
# LAURA
Run away. Run while you can.
# TRAVIS
I love how you just Weekend Updated your own sponsorship message. That's amazing.
# MATT
Thank you, Sam; thank you, Dani; and thank you, D&D Beyond, for your unending patience with this weekly...this. Couple more announcements: the second season of Between the Sheets begins next week, this coming Monday, January 28, at 7:00pm Pacific. The VOD will be available on the Critical Role YouTube channel on Wednesday, January 30. The very first guest is a friend of the show, a musician, rapper, and all-around awesome nerd, Logic.
# LAURA
And author.
# MATT
And author, and all sorts of other awesome stuff. He's a very prolific young man, and I can say that because I'm older than him. Super excited, it's going to be great, and happy to kick it off with such an awesome guest.
# TRAVIS
It's going to be so good!
# MARISHA
It's going to be good.
It's a good episode.
# TALIESIN
I've been enjoying the crossover of a whole bunch of Critical Role fans going, "Who's "Logic?" and then a whole bunch of Logic fans going, "What's Critical Role?" I was like, this is going to be a train wreck of happiness. I'm so excited.
# MATT
I'm excited. I want to give a very special thanks to our friends at Wyrmwood, who have continuously supported Critical Role and the community for a very long time. They actually created, for the live show and for the show here, this badass DM screen that I get to unveil!
# LIAM
Ah, it a dragon!
# TALIESIN
Ah, there's dragons! Put it back!
# LAURA
I mean, that's beautiful!
# MATT
Yeah, they did a really good job with it.
Special thanks especially to Jason MacDonald, who's the master craftsman at Wyrmwood, who made both this DM screen and the table that we play on to life. Jason, you did an amazing job. I had a chance of meeting him at the live show, but you're awesome. Another special thanks to Critter Chris Gladis for our "How Do You Want to Do This?" calligraphy design, which is also used on here.
# TALIESIN
Ah, too much!
# MATT
(laughs) Chris, thank you. You did an amazing job.
# TRAVIS
Give the DM some Xanax.
# MATT
Apparently. I think that's all I have for announcements, right now, guys.
So-- what have you done?
# SAM
I don't know, I just found some weird writing on--
# LAURA
I feel like you copied that at some point.
# SAM
Did I copy this from something? What is this?
# TALIESIN
Let me see that.
# SAM
I don't know.
# LAURA
Didn't he have to copy some sort of--
# LIAM
Yes.
# TRAVIS
Yeah, that was when we were talking about the four walls in the temple, right?
# SAM
Ah, okay.
# MATT
I like the idea that you sleep-rune sometimes.
# MARISHA
I knew that this day would come.
# LIAM
(imitating record played backwards) Thank you, Satan.
# MATT
Officially played too much D&D.
Not possible.
# LAURA
Not possible.
# MATT
Anyway, I think with that, we can go ahead and bring ourselves into tonight's episode of Critical Role.
[water bubbling] [thunder] [explosion] (chanting) Role! Critical! Role! [dramatic Critical Role theme]
# LAURA
Roll the dice! (singing) The adventure begins, they were always beside you, your nerdy best friends, and the DM to guide you. And they rise from the flames for the battles ahead.
Villains beware 'cause you're about to be dead.
# ASHLEY
(singing) They got magic and flair, they got falchions and cunning. They don't see over there there's a monster incoming. Inspiration is waiting, rise up, don't think twice.
Put your fate in your hands, take a chance, roll the dice! (chanting) Role! Critical! Role!
# ASHLEY, LAURA
(singing) Can you answer the call? Diggin' deep in your soul as the legend unfolds.
Now it's your turn to roll! [fire burning]
# MATT
Welcome back, everybody. Last we left off, The Mighty Nein had been returning from Nicodranas. They had made their way northward from the Menagerie Coast, left their ship in the care of their favorite tortle to earn money at sea while you're away.
# LIAM
I like tortles.
# MATT
You made your way northward, past the Wuyun Gorge, back into the Dwendalian Empire. Passed through Trostenwald and Alfield and met up with Bryce for a bit to catch up, and then made your way toward Felderwin. Upon arriving, you discovered the city was still visibly scarred from the recent assault that it had seemed to suffer at the hands of the Kryn Dynasty from Xhorhas.
Upon perusing the streets, you came to discover that the location that Nott was leading you towards was in ashes: this apothecary. Upon inspecting the vicinity, you did not find a body, but you did find a basement where you found ruined furniture, a few traps, a chest, and a mysterious chair that has grabbed the nation's imagination.
# SAM
(whispering) Chair'otoa.
# TRAVIS
(whispering) What is the chair? [laughter]
# MATT
Y'all going to die. You thought the gazebo was bad. Anyway. So.
# TRAVIS
Did we put the chair in the bag of holding?
# SAM
We should've.
# MATT
However, you also found that apparently the person who previously had lived there was nowhere to be found, and the son of that individual was being held at a nearby home of another person who lives here in Felderwin. You went there with Nott, Nott took the form of a halfling and proceeded to speak to this child as her son. After a bit of interesting conversation and curiosity, you said goodbye and you turned to find these two powerful magic users that Caleb had identified as members of the Cerberus Assembly were walking their way towards the ashen ruins of the apothecary, deep in conversation. That is where we left off. So, Mighty Nein, what would you like to do?
# LIAM
Before we leap in, could you give a quick physical description again of the two archmages?
# MATT
Yes, I can do that. We have Lady Vess DeRogna. Yes. She's an elven woman in fine flowing clothes of green and black, deep green with black designs across and around the edges of the billowing sleeves. Jewelry around the fingers, a number of rings and a series of necklaces.
They each contain some sort of a circular gem that dangles from them like a little collection of colors. She has short, medium brown hair, and appears to be of not a young elven age necessarily, but not as old as her current compatriot, which is Martinet Lunidus Da'leth, who is the Archmage of Domestic Protections.
He had long, white hair.
# LIAM
Also elven?
# MATT
Also elven. They are both elven.
# LAURA
Deep blue robes!
# MATT
Yep, keeping tabs on that. That's really the extent of what you can see at this distance.
You are currently a few houses down, standing outside of Old Edith's house, and in the moment of the tension of the conversation you had just had and the intensity of Nott's disposition, glancing and seeing them walking up and stopping right at the cusp and talking to each other.
# LIAM
At the apothecary, not where we are? Two separate locations.
# MATT
Yes.
# LIAM
We need to go now. Right now.
# SAM
Yes. Yes, we should get off the streets right away.
# LIAM
These things we have, we have to get them out of here.
# SAM
I know a place we can go. We can go to near the river. There's a river near here.
# LAURA
Lead the way.
# LIAM
Now, please.
# SAM
Okay. How far is the river?
# MATT
From where you're standing here, not terribly far, maybe a ten minute walk.
# LAURA
Is it the opposite direction of the hmm-hmm?
# MATT
You could loop around a bit, probably go southward. You're not that far from the Samir River. You can scoot a southwestern direction in an arc, probably make it 15 minutes to avoid them entirely.
# LAURA
Take the cart too, huh?
# SAM
Yes.
# LAURA
Let's go.
# SAM
I will lead them to a spot on the river bank that I know.
# MATT
All right. Moving past the handful of people in the city that are noticing this strange band of adventurers that have wandered through, you make your way past the outskirts and you can see the river itself cruising right along. It would be a beautiful landscape if there wasn't this intensity of emotion and the distant haze of long-grayed smoke that still hangs over the vicinity of the partially burned farmlands. Nevertheless, Nott leads you over towards one of the shaded banks under a few trees and you come to a stop.
# MARISHA
Are we being followed?
# MATT
Make a perception check.
# TRAVIS
First roll of the night, no fucking pressure. First roll of the night, you got this.
# MARISHA
That didn't count. That's good! 21.
# MATT
Glancing about, you do not see anybody keeping watch. What you do notice, however, is that a lot of the patrolling Righteous Brand, the small bands that have been keeping tabs, are all gathering towards the southern edge where the farm fields of the Felderwin Tillage hit the town of Felderwin. Where as they were scattered, they're all amassing in one space.
# LIAM
We heard someone describe the operatives from Xhorhas coming up out of the ground over by the farmlands, correct?
# MATT
Correct. That's as much as you've heard.
# LAURA
So hey, what the fuck?
# LIAM
Yeah, that's a good question, but also we just stole some very important things and we saw what is probably the owners going into the building. Is there anything we need to do in this town now to help you do what you need to do here, or can we leave?
# SAM
No, we can't leave. No, we can't leave.
I mean, you can leave, but I need to stay.
# LIAM
Is this person you're looking for here, do you know? Do you have any ideas?
# SAM
I don't know, but I know that-- I don't know.
I don't know where he is, but I know that we'll find clues here or we may find clues here. I need to look. I need to look and I need to start right away, and I suppose you all can go if you want, but--
# LAURA
I will stay and help you.
# TRAVIS
Yeah, we'll stay. Caleb, are you worried about another attack?
# LAURA
What are you so nervous about?
# TALIESIN
We are a target.
# LIAM
We were being stared at as we came through here.
# TALIESIN
I think we need somewhere safe to talk.
I think there's a lot of things we need to cement up.
# SAM
This is about as quiet a spot as I know in town, I don't want to go to a pub or anything.
# TALIESIN
No, obviously not. We need privacy.
# LAURA
I mean, you're just here to check on your son? That's a good cover, I guess.
Was it your son, or are you even a goblin?
# SAM
Okay, all right. So you probably have some questions for me and that's all right.
# TRAVIS
One or two.
# MARISHA
Like a thousand.
# LAURA
I mean, if it's your son, that's really sad, Nott.
# SAM
I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for surprising you back there, and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you more before.
# LAURA
Are you okay?
# SAM
I don't know, but I feel like-- I don't think any of us need to pretend that we all don't have some secrets. We've all been keeping some secrets from each other. Sometimes I feel like even maybe the thing that brought us together is that we're bonded by dishonesty, a little bit?
# TALIESIN
Not me, no secrets, open book.
# LAURA
I'm pretty open, too.
# MARISHA
I hear you.
# SAM
Well, some of us, anyway. For me, anyway, I've been holding onto some secrets. I feel like it's almost like putting up an armor or something to protect you from the past, or from regrets or something, and I feel like for some of us, it could also be like a chain, weighing us down and keeping us from moving forward. Maybe it's time now to remove that chain and be open and honest so that we can move ahead. So yes. I'll tell you what you want to know. What do you want to know?
# TRAVIS
Are you a goblin?
# LAURA
Is that your son for real?
# SAM
Okay. Well, hi. My name is Nott the Brave and I am a little goblin girl, but once upon a time, I was Veth, a young halfling woman and before that, a halfling child who grew up being told that she was not pretty and not brave and not coordinated and not smart, and just not.
# LAURA
And that's you? This is how you looked?
# SAM
Yeah.
# LAURA
But you're so pretty!
# SAM
I was. Then, you know, time went by and I got a little bit older. I was made fun of quite a bit.
I had this-- People thought I was strange because I collected things. I had lots of collections.
They were really outstanding. I collected wax seals and pieces of colored paper and some buttons and fabric.
# MARISHA
You collected wax seals?
# SAM
All kinds, yeah.
# MARISHA
You still have those?
# SAM
I'm afraid not.
# MARISHA
That's cool, actually.
# SAM
They didn't think so. I had brothers and people in town who would ridicule me.
# LAURA
That was here?
# SAM
Yes, I lived here. One day, I was playing a game with some other boys and they dared one of their friends to give me a kiss.
# LAURA
Spin the Bottle!
# SAM
The boy was very nice and he actually seemed to like it! He and I became friendly and eventually, we did what people do and got married.
# MARISHA
Oh, that's not-- I went somewhere else.
Yeah, married! Yeah!
# SAM
He didn't mind my strangeness and I helped him get his apothecary up and running. He was a brilliant chemist and could make acids and potions and oils and bleaches for fabrics and dyes and all sorts of things. I helped him and he took care of me. Eventually, we had a baby named Luke and he was a bright boy. Very smart, he learned to talk very early and walk very early. Such a smart boy! That's who you saw back there is my son.
# LAURA
So was he right? Did you die?
# SAM
I think so. We had a rough winter in Felderwin. There was not a lot of crops. I think some of the animals had died that winter. This river I've brought you to, this is a beautiful place. I used to come here with Yeza. It's also an important place because this is the-- the goblins would come from over there. They would come and raid us from the other side of the river. I think after that winter, they got particularly hungry and more dangerous and more daring. They came into town and raided more and more until, one day, they took us. They took me and my husband and my child.
They held us in one of their camps. I don't know if it was days or weeks. I'm not sure. Luke was not doing well. He was starting to starve, and I knew that we needed to get out of there somehow.
Yeza is a very bright man, but he's not a fighter.
So I had to do what I had to do. We ran in the dead of night. They weren't fast. I've been chased a lot in my life by boys making fun of me.
I'm pretty fast. So I told them to run to the river and I broke off and I ran a different way.
The goblins followed me. When they found me, they surrounded me and I fought. I had a vial of acid that Yeza had handed me and I threw it in the face of the one trying to catch us. They didn't like that.
They took me back to their camp. I think he died from his wounds, and he was something like their leader and he had a wife. She brought me to another woman in a hood. A magic woman.
I don't know who she was; I never saw her eyes or anything. This goblin told the woman, "Make her "suffer," and they did. They brought me to this river and they drowned me in it. I can still feel the water in my lungs and my ears and my nose. And then nothing until I woke up and saw the hands, those hands, the skin. Then I looked in a puddle.
I could see what they made me. They made me everything that I thought I was: not pretty, not good, just not. I'll be honest. I've started forgetting what it feels like to be a halfling, to be me. I don't remember everything any more.
I feel like every day I'm more and more goblin. I don't like it at all. I don't like myself at all.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I lied, and I'm sorry, Caleb, that I didn't tell you.
I should've told you. You would've understood, and maybe you could've helped me. I don't know. I feel like you're almost there. Almost strong enough to help, but I didn't want to distract you from your path.
Anyway. That's how I got to you. That's why I can't be in that town and he can't see me like this, my son can't see me like this.
No one there can.
# TALIESIN
Does your husband know? Does he not know?
# SAM
I've sent him things.
# TALIESIN
So he knows you're alive.
# SAM
Well, I only recently started signing the letters. I don't know if he believes it or not.
I don't know what he would think of me. The people in that town, they're taught to kill a goblin on sight or run and get help. Children are told rhymes. If he saw me like this, I don't even know if he would believe it's me.
# TALIESIN
He'll know you. Nott, you ran and got help and here we are. It's the right thing to do.
We're here to help.
# LAURA
How long has it been?
# SAM
Since I've been like this? Well, they turned me and then they kept me around. They used me like a slave, really. I would clean out their messes and clean up after the meals. I would help their one that tortured. I would help him for months. Maybe six months. Then I ran. That's when I found you, shortly after, so maybe a year? No. More. More than a year. Year and a half? I don't know.
Not exactly. It's all sort of a blur.
# LAURA
I feel like we can get this fixed.
# TALIESIN
We're here now.
# LAURA
We can do something.
# TALIESIN
We just have to take some time, think carefully and slowly.
# SAM
I don't think we have time. He's gone. They could be killing him now, these people that have him.
# TRAVIS
Do we know who we think that is?
# LAURA
Is it the people you know?
# LIAM
Is anyone else-- Is there anyone coming? Do we hear anything?
# MATT
Make a perception check.
# LIAM
Natural one.
# MATT
Your emotions are transfixed and even though you look around, your attention's still focused on Nott.
Nothing catches your eye.
# TALIESIN
We can do something about this, but you're going to have to trust us and you're going to have to be careful because if we move too quickly, we're just going to go running the wrong direction and alone. And you need help.
# SAM
I will try to restrain myself, but honestly, I don't know for how long.
# TALIESIN
Would it help if we cleared your head?
# SAM
What do you mean?
# TALIESIN
Well, if you need a minute to be here, we maybe sift some of the contents of that flask out of you for a little while. Just for a minute.
You can get back to it when you need it, but for now, maybe impulse may not be your friend right now.
# SAM
Okay. If you think so, Mr. Clay.
# TALIESIN
I'm going to try and do that. We had a brief conversation about that last week.
# MATT
So you're casting Lesser Restoration?
# TALIESIN
Yeah.
# MATT
Okay.
# LAURA
Try to un-drunk Nott.
# MATT
Technically alcohol is a toxin.
# TALIESIN
I have to know what it is.
I have to be going for it.
# MATT
Yeah, so I'll allow it.
# TALIESIN
I am so sorry.
# MATT
You feel this warm glow emanating from Caduceus' hands and then in that moment, the fuzzy numbness that you are accustomed to sitting in, especially in places of great fear or emotion, fades.
And everything's back to being crystal clear.
# TALIESIN
Sometimes the truth takes a little while to get there.
# SAM
This feels much worse. It feels terrible, actually. This is terrible. This is how you all are, all the time? This is not fun.
# TRAVIS
Majority.
# TALIESIN
Yeah.
# MARISHA
Nott, I know this place is--
# LAURA
Do you want some candy?
# SAM
Yes, lots.
# MARISHA
This place is quiet, but do you actually know if there a waterfall upstream a little bit, or a brook? Something with some noise that might drown out anyone who's listening.
# TALIESIN
Maybe somewhere where we can sleep, too.
# MARISHA
Further off the beaten path.
We walk upstream, maybe?
# SAM
Is there such a place?
# MATT
There's not much in the way of a waterfall, unfortunately. You're in the center of the valley, so what hills there are, are just hills. The river here continues cutting through the valley, but you're probably a good, off the top of my head, 40 or so miles from any elevation to cause a major waterfall.
# MARISHA
Any babbling brooks?
# MATT
You're next to the river and what little noise it's making. It's nice.
# TALIESIN
We know that there are tunnels.
# LIAM
By the farmlands.
# MARISHA
Which is, I think, where all those soldiers were going.
# TALIESIN
Well, maybe we should find somewhere in town to hold up, and we'll keep you out of sight.
# MATT
There was that one inn that burned down, but there is one inn you know called the Goldfield Tavern and Lodge. That's one of the more traveled inns. A lot of people that come in and out of Felderwin, that's one of the more popular destinations.
# TALIESIN
What's your husband's name?
# SAM
Yeza Brenatto.
# TALIESIN
I think, perhaps, if we're going to, we should come together with a game plan. I think it would be respectable if people thought that someone was looking for Yeza in his interests.
People will be less suspicious if we're asking questions about someone who disappeared, if we were perhaps hired by a trust fund of your son or otherwise, and this is something that is owed to him.
It's just business; we don't have to let them know it's personal.
# TRAVIS
That's actually very clever.
# SAM
That's fine, but-- and I'm sorry, Caleb. I'm sorry for what I said before. I feel like part of what we'll need to do to find him is to know what he was doing before he was taken, and that involves you.
# MARISHA
Yeah, you definitely puked all over that apothecary, so it's clear that something's not right.
# SAM
I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to, but I need you now. I need you to tell me what you know, what these people might be doing, or might have taken him to, or done with him.
# LAURA
I mean, it does seem like they were using him.
# MARISHA
What is dunamis?
# LAURA
How do you know them?
# TALIESIN
That's a lot. You can take your time. As you're ready.
# LIAM
Are we going to...
# SAM
Do you want to get somewhere safer first?
# TRAVIS
Further away? Why don't we keep moving upstream? What's the direction away from the conflict?
# MATT
There's northeast and southwest. Northeast would be more in the direction of the fields and clearer view. Southwest would be further away from civilization.
# TALIESIN
I'll also say, we can start the wagon up, and I can drive and keep an eye out. If you're all inside the wagon, no one's going to see any of you.
# TRAVIS
Sure, let's head south.
# MARISHA
Let's find a patch of woods to hide in.
# LAURA
Are there woods?
# MATT
There's little clusters of trees here and there.
# TALIESIN
It may be, in the end, safer staying in town. People staying in the woods seem like they're trying to avoid something, and there's a lot of soldiers. If you're on business, you go to town, even if the town's a little rough. We'll keep going around. When it's time to go, I think maybe we go into town and get a room. Maybe make a little bubble in the room, if we have to.
# LIAM
I don't want to talk in town.
# TALIESIN
We're going to take a scenic route.
I'll take a long time, and if I see people, I'm not going to drive towards them.
# TRAVIS
Before we go, are you sure your son is safe with this--
# SAM
No, I'm not sure at all.
# TRAVIS
What did you tell her last? Are they staying? Are they going?
# SAM
They're staying. I gave them some money.
Edith seemed to think that they were okay for the time being and that there's not going to be any more imminent attacks.
# TRAVIS
Do other people in town know that old Edith cares for your son, that they're connected in some way?
# SAM
No idea.
# MARISHA
Does old Edith know your current form?
# SAM
No one does.
# MARISHA
She just thinks you're not dead.
# SAM
Well, I'm not.
# LIAM
What do you think that your child made of that?
# SAM
I don't know, but I know that I needed to see him. I forgot what he looked like, and he forgot what I looked like. I feel like that's impossible.
That's unsustainable. We need to know the ones we love, and I don't know what that was. I don't know how he felt, but for me it's a step. As painful as it was, it will be a step towards something.
# MARISHA
Nott, you drowned. You drowned, and you just spent three months underwater.
That's incredible. I don't know if you realize that, but--
# SAM
Yeah, it was great. It was-- it sucked.
It was terrible.
# TALIESIN
It was very brave.
# SAM
You guys have rubbed off on me, I guess.
# TRAVIS
I don't want to tell you what to do, but I feel like our previous experience would lean towards getting your son and her out of here, especially if the people that have taken your husband are still here. If they're searching for answers or asking people questions, that could lead to her and him.
# LAURA
They could go stay with my mama. They could stay at the Lavish Chateau for the time being.
# TALIESIN
Anywhere west, really.
# TRAVIS
Now's the time to move them.
# SAM
Right. How? How would I convince--
# TRAVIS
Maybe it's not you. Maybe one of us go.
# SAM
Go to tell them?
# TRAVIS
Mm-hmm.
# TALIESIN
Not a bad idea.
# SAM
How do they get there? It's a dangerous journey, even for us. You saw the borders.
# MARISHA
Loops into Caduceus' social worker plan, actually.
# TALIESIN
I don't know if necessarily crossing the border is the way to go, but at least going further inland.
# TRAVIS
If they do decide to cross, I think they're less concerned with people going out more than coming in.
# SAM
Do we know any place safe closer? Is Alfield safe?
# TALIESIN
Safe as anything.
# LAURA
Bryce is there.
# TALIESIN
That's not a bad idea. Send a letter.
Ask Bryce if they can take care of this.
# MARISHA
Do you think Bryce would be down for more responsibility and obligations?
# TALIESIN
I imagine, if we pack a few gold in.
It's not much to find some room and board for a couple people.
# MARISHA
Yeah, that's true.
# TRAVIS
If it does continue to drift that way, Bryce will be sure to get them out quick.
# TALIESIN
Or send word.
# MARISHA
Plus, Alfield is near the border and the gates. Shorter journey out.
# LAURA
I could send a message, see if Bryce would be okay with that. What do you think?
# SAM
Okay, yes. Please do.
# TRAVIS
There's a lot to figure. This will be one less thing to worry about.
# MARISHA
Then we try to find Yeza?
# SAM
Absolutely. Yes.
# LAURA
I'm going to not be able to do this in 25 words. It's so hard!
# MATT
Cast it twice.
# TRAVIS
This is going to Bryce?
# LAURA
This is going to Bryce. Okay.
# SAM
I believe in you, Jester. You can do this.
# TRAVIS
Woman and child incoming.
Take care of them.
# LAURA
Oh, that's good. Don't talk in full sentences. Why didn't I think of that?!
# TALIESIN
Stop.
# LAURA
Do I say stop?
# TALIESIN
Stop.
# TRAVIS
Don't waste it on a stop.
# TALIESIN
I mean, that's what you would do if you're doing the telegram.
# LAURA
I could just vocally stop because Bryce will hear me.
# TALIESIN
Stop.
LAURA. Right. Okay. I'm going to cast Sending.
# LAURA
Hello.
# TRAVIS
Oh, boy.
# LAURA
It's Jester. Two people incoming. A woman and child. Take care of them, please? We're sending money with them.
# SAM
You have two more words.
# LAURA
This is important.
# LIAM
Cut off the "is".
# LAURA
I thought I had five more words!
# MATT
You have two more.
# LAURA
Okay.
# TALIESIN
Signed... oh.
# LAURA
Please help.
# MARISHA
Is it one word? Pleasehelp!
# MATT
As the sporadic phrases make their way through the arcane weaves of the various magical ley lines that invisibly traverse the exterior of Exandria, they make their way towards Bryce's ear somewhere in Alfield, and they respond, a moment later, "All right. I'll do my best.
"Please don't send too many more?" (laughter)
That was it.
# LAURA
Okay. I think they're going to help!
# SAM
Okay. That's something.
# TRAVIS
Bryce is shaking their head, trying to get better reception and it's not working.
# TALIESIN
Water in the ear.
# MARISHA
You're cutting out and I can't--
# LAURA
Okay. Oh, sorry about that.
# TALIESIN
It's nothing.
# SAM
So, shall we ride around a bit?
# LAURA
Yes, because I want to hear what Caleb has to say.
# TALIESIN
I also want to get a sense of things, so we're going to take a lazy meander around the area. I want to get a sense of where things are, get a map in my head, and I'm going to be paying very close attention.
# MATT
Through the city?
# TALIESIN
No, on the outskirts.
# MATT
Okay. It'll take you a while.
# TALIESIN
I'm going to keep going around until they...
# MATT
Okay. Make a perception check for me, Caduceus, as you guys are passing around the southern edge, heading towards the western side of Felderwin.
# TALIESIN
That's okay, it's all right. Eight.
Wait, no, I'm so sorry, that's wrong. 13.
# MATT
Okay. Keeping an eye out, the main thing you notice, it seems like a majority of the Righteous Brand have gathered and are heading northeast.
They are leaving Felderwin.
# MARISHA
Leaving.
# MATT
Correct.
# TALIESIN
All right. Does it look like they've discovered the tunnels, or no?
# MATT
You don't know, you're too far away. You haven't really asked any specific questions to the local crownsguard.
# TALIESIN
That'll be for civilization; that's cool.
# MATT
Best you can see here-- the flames have been long out. What brief cinders and wisps of smoke that had been slowly burning themselves out over the past couple of weeks or so are on the very tail end. It looks like Felderwin has fallen to at least a semblance of temporary neutrality. The people are going about their lives, the Tillage-- the damage that has been done, has been done, and now it's just trying to pick up and move on.
# LIAM
We're in the wagon?
# MATT
You're in the wagon. You're now on the western side of the village where you can see the northward Tillage all around.
# TALIESIN
I'm on the lookout, and I will let anybody know if anyone's within 60 yards.
# MARISHA
Are you listening, to where you can contribute?
# TALIESIN
I think I'm listening, but I'm not doing a very good job of it.
# TRAVIS
Because you're checking out around us.
# TALIESIN
Because I'm--
# TRAVIS
Periscoping.
# MARISHA
Hey, Jester.
# LAURA
Mm?
# MARISHA
Since we're going to try and be honest with each other and turn a new leaf--
# LAURA
Are you in love with me?
# MARISHA
Well, in a way. I didn't sleep with Dairon. She wasn't my roommate.
She was my teacher.
# LAURA
Oh.
# MARISHA
I don't know why I told you that.
# LAURA
I don't either.
# MARISHA
Yeah.
# LAURA
Teachers are cool, too.
# SAM
You slept with your teacher?
# MARISHA
No, I didn't sleep with her at all.
I totally made that up.
# LAURA
You just cared about your teacher.
# MARISHA
Yeah.
# LAURA
Good for you.
# MARISHA
Thanks.
# SAM
I know there's more pressing matters, but what did she teach you?
# MARISHA
How to kick ass and take names, bitch.
# SAM
Cool.
# TRAVIS
Snaps.
# MARISHA
Yeah, I don't know. I guess it's easier to pretend like you don't care.
# LAURA
Well, I figured you cared since you were checking up on her.
# MARISHA
Yeah. I'm a little transparent sometimes.
# LAURA
(laughs) I totally thought she was your roommate. You were really good about that.
# MARISHA
Thank you.
# LAURA
You're welcome.
# MARISHA
I mean, don't get me wrong. I'd totally tap that, but--
# TRAVIS
All right, can we maybe circle back to the...?
# LAURA
Caleb. We can tell you're really scared, and that's okay, to be scared. We just don't know why.
# TRAVIS
Maybe if you share with us your apprehensions, it'll ease it a bit?
# LIAM
(deep breath) Mist.
# MARISHA
You got this, man.
# LIAM
Your name is... Veth.
# SAM
It was.
# LIAM
My name was... Bren Aldric Ermendrud. Was.
# SAM
That's why you looked at me, that day.
# LIAM
I, uh...
# LAURA
Did you die, too?
# SAM
Twinsies?
# LIAM
I have been using you all.
# LAURA
How?
# LIAM
I am from Rexxentrum. I attended the Soltryce Academy, and I was plucked by one of the Cerberus Assembly with a few others, and was being trained to do the kinds of things that I fear may have been done to--
# LAURA
Yeza.
# LIAM
Ja. And.... a lot of big plans for me that didn't pan out, and I went a little crazy.
And I ran away. I ran away. I've been on the run for a long time, and I was tired of starving.
And I met... I met you and was a little less hungry for a while. I have just been afraid for a long time, and two of the people in that town over there are on the Cerberus Assembly.
# SAM
Do you know them?
# LIAM
I know who they are.
# LAURA
Would they know who you are?
# LIAM
I don't think so, but I have walked past their portraits at school many times.
# MARISHA
Ew.
# LAURA
They're high up then, huh?
# LIAM
One of them is the head of the Cerberus Assembly.
# LAURA
Holy shit.
# TRAVIS
The head of the whole thing?
# SAM
It was that big?
# MARISHA
Mister Fancypants?
# LAURA
Wait, isn't that where you want to go, Fjord?
# TRAVIS
I mean, I did. That's the center of magical teaching in the Empire, as I understood it.
# LAURA
It's really bad or something?
# LIAM
There's good teachers there. It's everything that they describe it to be, but after going there for several months, one of the Assembly, who also would teach on occasion, started interviewing me, calling me in and asking me a lot of questions. He put me in advanced class, me and a few others.
I don't want you all to be seen with me, because if you are seen with me by one of them, they will use you to get to me.
# SAM
I mean, I don't want them to see me either because they'll kill me and everyone I'm with, anyone in town, so I think we'll be hiding for some time.
# LIAM
You met the man who trained me.
His name is Trent Ikithon.
# LAURA
That's why you always make that face.
I'm sorry, Caleb.
# LIAM
I'm not a very good person.
# LAURA
Well, I don't think our actions define who we are all the time. Good people do bad things sometimes. Even bad people do good things.
I think you're a good person.
# MARISHA
For the record, Nott, I don't think it's us that's been rubbing off on you. I think it's you that's been rubbing off on us.
# TRAVIS
Also, I don't think a very bad person would care about us.
# LAURA
I don't think a very bad person would care that he was very bad.
# MARISHA
Do you care about us? You've told us several times how you've been using us.
# LAURA
Are you secretly in love with me? (laughter)
# LIAM
I'm worried about your husband. I know the things that they can do.
And I start to unwrap one of my arms.
# SAM
Arms?
# LAURA
Like the skin?
# LIAM
No, I have been wearing bandages on my arm, and there are little, very faint scars all up the arm.
# SAM
Cuts? Or burns?
# LIAM
They are scars, faint scars, from cuts.
# SAM
From cuts.
# LIAM
He used to put crystals in-- he experimented on us, on the three of us.
# SAM
What would they do? Crystals?
# LIAM
He was trying to strengthen us.
# MARISHA
The dunamis?
# LIAM
No. The first time I had ever seen that word was in your libraries, just haphazardly scrawled into a book, no explanation. No, everything was for Empire. We were being trained to serve our Empire, above all else. He was a little mad, himself. That is-- he was mad.
# MARISHA
I'm curious as to how much was for the Empire and how much the Empire was a veil for his own personal exploits.
# LIAM
He believed that the unwashed masses relied on their base instincts and the highest calling was to rise above the muck and control the cattle for the good of all.
# LAURA
That sounds like a bad person.
# LIAM
But we were-- are-- at war. Many of us felt that way-- feel that way.
# SAM
Do you still feel that way?
# LIAM
I don't believe in anything now.
# TRAVIS
This Trent, does he know these two that we saw?
# LIAM
Yes. I don't want one more thing on my head, to have you guys-- it's probably too late, anyway.
# TRAVIS
How powerful are these two? Our normal tricks, would they fall short?
# LIAM
The Cerberus Assembly are the most powerful mages in the Empire. Over two centuries ago, a number of mages went to war in the streets of Rexxentrum. It was bloody and awful, and eventually they came to a truce and banded together and proposed to the king at the time that they serve as an advising body alongside the throne.
# LAURA
Would they see if we were disguised, or would they have to look for us? Do you know what I mean?
# LIAM
I don't know for sure, but there is a reason why I did not use anything like that back there.
# LAURA
Okay.
# TRAVIS
So we need to give them a very wide berth.
At the same time, we need to figure out where--
# SAM
Why would they have taken my husband? He was not a magic person. He was just a chemist.
# LIAM
I don't know. It is something to do with the thing.
# LAURA
It says it.
# LIAM
But I don't know why him.
# LAURA
It says, "His instincts are solid."
# SAM
What instincts?
# LAURA
Yeza, I'm assuming. "While I find this alchemist obnoxious in his simplicity--" I'm sorry, I don't believe that.
# SAM
I don't either.
# LAURA
"The Academy's eye for talent proves itself again."
# LIAM
Was he gifted? In his work?
# SAM
He was very brilliant in his work, but I never saw him do any magicky things.
# TRAVIS
Did he experiment?
# LAURA
It says they want him to produce a number of batches of that liquid, the one that we stole?
# LIAM
That is what is written about there, it talks about-- Listen, I don't pretend to know what we're talking about, but it does not seem like anything that I ever studied.
# SAM
He was good at what he did. He could refine anything.
# LAURA
They wouldn't kill him then. They need him to make batches over the next 12 to 16 months.
# TRAVIS
I'm sure he's alive, but if he was good at breaking things down, taking them apart, experimenting on things, this thing that we have falls directly into that.
# LIAM
It says they were looking for a way to achieve their ends without the object. I don't know what they need. I hope he is alive, I truly do. They will make his life very painful, though.
# MARISHA
Trent Ikithon was looking at Yasha. He was side-eyeing Yasha.
# TRAVIS
What do you mean?
# LAURA
Well, she's really hot.
# MARISHA
I feel like I've heard these words before, when we were in that bar. He looks for prodigies, people with innate talent. I don't think it matters--
# SAM
If they took my husband, where would they have taken him? Their headquarters are in Rexxentrum?
# LIAM
Ja.
# SAM
At a school, at a--?
# LIAM
The city of Rexxentrum.
# SAM
The whole city is their headquarters?
# LIAM
They're based there.
# MARISHA
The Cerberus Assembly actually has a pretty heavy hold on Rexxentrum.
# LIAM
And the Empire. They are close to as powerful-- arguably more powerful than the King.
# LAURA
I wonder if maybe we can break him out before he gets there? Maybe he-- it only just happened.
# SAM
Do they have magical means of transport?
# LIAM
We watched Lunidus Da'leth appear 200 feet in front of us.
# SAM
So he could already be there.
# LIAM
Maybe.
# MARISHA
I'd be willing to lay money on it.
# SAM
When did you get your new name?
# LIAM
I used a lot of names. Caleb is just what I told you.
# TRAVIS
What do you prefer?
# LIAM
I don't know. Caleb; let's stick with Caleb for now.
# SAM
Well...shit. It seems like if we are going to chase down my husband, you're going to have to go into danger. Too much danger.
# LIAM
(stuttering) I honestly don't know if we can-- if we are up to this. Unless they're en route on land, maybe, but... that's all the might of the Empire.
# LAURA
Are we going to have to scout out and listen in on people's conversations, see if we can--?
# TRAVIS
We should ask to see if anyone saw a carriage, anything, leaving town with Yeza.
# LAURA
Maybe if we go with our insurance company scheme, we can say that we believe there's been fraud and he's not really dead or something.
# SAM
And--
# MARISHA
Nott.
# SAM
Yes?
# MARISHA
Sorry, you were going to say something.
# SAM
No, I just had more questions.
# MARISHA
All right, I was going to ask you a question. I don't think you know the answer,
though. Your son mentioned that a mean lady with pointy ears keeps coming by.
# SAM
Was that one of these people that we saw?
# LAURA
Lady--
# SAM
They had pointy ears. They're elves, right?
# LIAM
They're both elves.
# SAM
Then what? One of them look mean?
# MARISHA
Well, if he's talking about Vess DeRogna--
# SAM
Is that someone who would have-- do you know her to be someone who would be-- someone who could harness chemicals and--?
# LIAM
Vess DeRogna-- I'm sorry, no. Vess DeRogna is the Archmage of Antiquities. She is half a recluse.
She taught at the school-- not me, or years above me.
# TRAVIS, LAURA
What does that mean, antiquities?
# SAM
Would she be interested in the things that Yeza was helping?
# LIAM
She's a historian. She knows-- she has uncovered mysteries of the past, they would say at school. She's a history buff and awful as well, probably.
# SAM
Could she be the one who is visiting my home?
# MARISHA
It sounds like they've been here watching your husband for quite some time, which means checking in on your son.
# LIAM
Da'leth is Domestic Protection. He is the head of the military. If they are both here, I would imagine that he is here overseeing all of the Red Brands we saw and she is probably here trying to figure out what's in that bag.
# SAM
Then, do we have-- because I don't know how this all connects. Do we know why the cricks also attacked? Did they sense a disturbance in their juice or whatever that stuff is? The dunamis?
# LAURA
Do you think maybe they're attacking because we have the thingy?
# SAM
We've had the thingy for a long time. It doesn't explain why they would attack here, now.
# TRAVIS
Yeah.
# LIAM
They could be combing the Empire for it.
# TRAVIS
It might not be the only one.
# LAURA
Okay.
# MARISHA
It feels like-- it is a piece of dunamis, right?
# MATT
Caleb, roll an intelligence check for me.
# LIAM
Thank you.
# LAURA
Be smart. Be so smart.
# LIAM
19.
# TRAVIS
Pretty smart.
# MATT
On the notes, where it mentions beacons--
# LAURA
It says there's other beacons.
# LIAM
More than one, yeah.
# MARISHA
Yeah, and this thing that we had was called "the beacon." Right, okay.
# LAURA
Okay, so there's more than one.
# LIAM
We saw an attack on the tower in Zadash.
That was ages ago at this point. And now they're well into the Empire.
# LAURA
"As we continue to invoke the beacon--" That means they have one.
# SAM
Or had one.
# LAURA
Right. "--with extremely focused energy of different spectrums and sources, divine and "arcane, the effects unleashed are ever curious and reach far beyond this laboratory. The dunamis "field often sightlessly encompassed an entire portion of the town, with locals complaining of an "ill sluggish sensation akin to being dragged down." So--
# SAM
So they had one of our dodecahedrons here.
# LAURA
Oh my god, what if you put the dodecahedron on the tripod thing that we got, right? Then we hit it with some sort of spell. I wonder if it would amplify that spell, you know what I mean?
# TRAVIS
And also ring the dinner bell, Jester. I think that's the more dangerous part. We're super close to the front line, or at least to them. You do that, we might get exactly what we're asking for, but then trouble might also come calling.
# LAURA
That's true.
# MARISHA
The people that we saw fighting, having the DC fight in the air, full on anime battle-- did we recognize the-- because I know they were wizards that were fighting the crick assassins that were coming in.
# MATT
It seemed to be the case, yes.
# MARISHA
Do we recognise the clothing and appearance of the Archmage and Lady Vess? Is it the same people?
# MATT
No. Not the people that are currently with you now, no. The people that are in the city.
# MARISHA
But the same robes?
# MATT
There isn't a uniform robe. There is no-- and you would know this, too. Even mages in a union aren't like, "Let's all wear similar uniforms." They all very much see themselves as individuals in a circle.
# LIAM
What about the annexes?
# MATT
Hmm?
# LIAM
The annexes? People who-- it was in the lore that you shared with me.
# MATT
Oh right, yeah. No. For students and everything there would be uniforms, but as far as members of the Assembly proper, there's no consistent uniform amongst members of the Assembly. As is the nature when you get to a certain level of arcane capabilities, even working with other mages, there's a general, for the most part, an idea of "Well, I'm still better than them."
# LIAM
These papers conjecture that in Ghor Dranas they are able to control fate and time. Clearly it was stolen from them and brought here, so it could be the source of their presence here.
# MARISHA
Caleb, you were in the library of the Cobalt Soul when you stumbled upon dunamis for the for the first time.
# LIAM
Ja, it was a note scrawled to the side of a book. It said that the Cerberus Assembly was looking into some sort of new arcane study and the word "dunamis" was written. That was it.
# MARISHA
What were you looking for when you found it? What were you trying to find?
# LIAM
I was studying history, and-- I need to become more powerful if I want to do anything.
# MARISHA
You still haven't answered my previous question of how you were using us and what that means to you.
# LIAM
Look at me. I am a string bean, I am weak as it comes. I am weak. Look at that. Look at her.
# LAURA
Look at me.
# MARISHA
Her guns are bigger than mine.
# LIAM
You have no guns. That was an exaggeration that day. You are just fast and quick and talented.
# MARISHA
Okay. Was that a compliment?
# TRAVIS
I think so.
# MARISHA
Okay.
# TRAVIS
It's kind of like when you smile.
# SAM
I feel like there's a difference between using someone and relying on someone.
# MARISHA
That's what I was going to say. Do you think that Fjord was using us? You think that Nott's been using us?
# TALIESIN
(whispering) Shut up, Travis.
# MARISHA
You know, we're also here volunteering our help.
# LAURA
It's only using us if you don't like us. Do you like us, though?
# LIAM
Ja.
# LAURA
Ja!
# SAM
You do?
# LIAM
(sighs) I... Oh, Jester. I am glad you see good in me.
# MARISHA
Caleb, you were right when you said earlier that it's too late now. That we're involved.
But I don't think we see it in the same way that you do. It's too late now because, whether you like it or not, we all care about you and are invested in, you know, your happiness, I guess? So...
# LIAM
Okay.
# MARISHA
Don't run. You can say you don't believe in anything, and that's fine. Believe in us, just a little bit?
# LIAM
I will consider it heavily.
# MARISHA
I'm sorry for not hearing you yesterday.
Honestly, you saying that you don't believe in anything kind of put everything into perspective about that conversation. I heard that you were doubting me and us, and our friendship.
# LIAM
I don't doubt any of you at all.
(louder) You too!
# TALIESIN
Uh, yeah. I'll have some if someone's making something.
(laughter)
# SAM
He could give two shits.
# TRAVIS
You're going to have to do this twice.
# MARISHA
One last time!
# LIAM
That one will be off-camera.
# TALIESIN
Very off-camera.
# TRAVIS
So do we avoid your two professors? Or do we try to study them, divide them, interrogate one of them--
# LAURA, LIAM
No.
# LAURA
Fjord, they're way too powerful for us.
# TRAVIS
You don't know that.
# LAURA
Fjord.
# TRAVIS
What? I swallow shit and make it appear in my weapons; I'm fucking down to throw, you know what I'm saying?
# LAURA
You can control water, which I can do too; I'm not that powerful.
# TRAVIS
You don't have to minimize my new shit, okay? I'm real proud of it. I've had it for a fucking hot second.
# LAURA
I'm just saying, they've probably been studying for a very long time. And if I'm not wrong they're elves. And elves live for a very long time. And they look kind of old, okay? So they're probably--
# LIAM
The elder gentleman started the Cerberus Assembly over 250 years ago.
# TRAVIS
Yeah, maybe we don't try to separate him.
Right. Well, what about the one that studies history? You met a bunch of really dangerous historians?
# MARISHA
Yeah. Yeah, I have.
# TRAVIS
What do I know, man? I'm a fucking sailor.
# LAURA
You're pretty powerful, okay? You're really strong. You're very handsome. You got some really cool spells. You can make darkness appear. It's really awesome.
# TRAVIS
Listen, Jester-- As much as I love this, it's not about me, okay?
# TALIESIN
Hey, if you all don't stop arguing, I'm going to turn this cart right around.
# LAURA
Yes, sir!
# TALIESIN
I don't know if you were arguing, I've just always wanted to say that.
# LAURA
We were. We were having a big fight.
# TALIESIN
Man!
# TRAVIS
So what do we do?
# TALIESIN
I'm going to start heading back to town regardless; it's getting cold.
# TRAVIS
We need to send your son on his way.
# SAM
All right.
# TRAVIS
Do we need to try and--
# LIAM
That's a tangible goal that we can do.
# TRAVIS
Do we want to ask if your husband was spotted leaving by some sort of natural means?
# SAM
Sure, yes.
# LAURA
Okay.
# TRAVIS
Then we kill the two elves.
# LAURA
Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Maybe we go up into their room at night or something and just, you know... Stabby stab.
# TRAVIS
Yeah, you seduce one, I'll seduce the other, no problem. I have a way with elvish folk.
# TALIESIN
It's like you two have been reading Tumblr. This is so-- Sorry, carry on.
# TRAVIS
We'll deal with one thing at a time.
# SAM
It would make me happy to even know that he's alive. To get some sort confirmation that someone saw him alive or...
# TRAVIS
Have we talked about sending a message?
# LAURA
(gasp) Maybe I can send a message to him!
# TRAVIS
I mean, if he's in Super Magical Headquarters, I'm sure there might be protection against that, but--
# SAM
Is that a bad idea? That's a bad idea.
# TALIESIN
Wait, what? You trying to find out if someone's alive?
# TRAVIS
Yeah.
# TALIESIN
I can do that.
# TRAVIS
Oh--
# SAM
How?
# TRAVIS
Yeah! Your Wildmother-- the thing you did for me!
# MARISHA
Caduceus is a wild mom?
# TRAVIS
No. Nope. No, he has--
# LAURA
He's such a wild mom; he's partying all the time!
# MARISHA
So many wine spritzers.
# SAM
Moms gone wild?
# TALIESIN
Moms gone wild. What? Hmm?
# SAM
What is the process by which you would...
# TALIESIN
I would just-- I have a little ritual in the morning, meditate on it, see if I can feel anything tugging in some direction; and I couldn't know much, but I could know something.
# SAM
Well do you think, Caleb, that they would sense that? Is that a magical force? Is that a divine force?
# TALIESIN
It's a divine force, but I don't think that it would--
# LAURA
Do you have to do it in the morning or can you do it at night?
# TALIESIN
Well I mean, I'd have to sleep.
# LAURA
Oh; I understand.
# LIAM
It all depends on how he reacts if Caduceus is able to contact him.
# TALIESIN
I couldn't know much. But I could maybe, at the very least, give you a yes/no. Maybe.
# SAM
That would make me very happy.
# LAURA
So we head to the inn.
# SAM
Okay.
# LAURA
We don't talk about anything when we're in the town, right?
# SAM
Except someone has to ask about--
# TRAVIS
We can do that. Cover of night. Helps.
# TALIESIN
Well I'm happy we're coming to town to talk to this famous alchemist and this has really thrown something into our plans. I don't know what-- Do people throw monkeys into plans? What do people throw?
# MARISHA
Close.
# SAM
It's a wrench.
# TALIESIN
A wrench? Yeah, this has wrenched our monkey.
# LIAM
A couple of us tonight-- not me, but a couple of us could check the town out, and ask some questions, and ask if many people were taken away or not.
# LAURA, SAM
Yeah.
# TALIESIN
Hmm, not a bad idea.
# TRAVIS
To the inn?
# TALIESIN
I'm already heading that way.
# LAURA
I'm going to take everything that we've been looking at and stick in the bag so it can't be scried on or something.
# MATT
Okay. You guys make your way towards Felderwin proper. Through this conversation, the majority of the Righteous Brand has moved on, heading northeast towards the front lines.
Crownsguard are still present and there still is, definitely amongst those that are here-- and Nott, you can say that there are more crownsguard present here than there usually are. Probably just to keep an eye now that the military has moved on.
You make your way towards the center of the city, leading them towards the Goldfield Tavern and Lodge. Heading inside, it's fairly empty. You place the cart outside for the time being. Towards the bar on the far end, you see the familiar face of Simone Deepwell. He's the halfling, the barkeep, and owner. Dark brown skin; short, gray-white hair. Very cheerful demeanor, he seems to be excited at the prospect that folks are stopping in with all the chaos that's happened as he leans over the front of the counter and goes--
# SAM
I'm going to look like just a gnome.
# MATT
Okay. Just a gnome. The rest of you keeping it as is?
# LIAM
Hood up and I'm still dirty as sin.
# TALIESIN
I think I've still got a little bit of time on my shaggy redhead. Wait, no. Am I out now?
# MATT
Most of the illusions you had in the city have faded at this time since you've been traversing the exterior.
# TRAVIS
I'm going au natural.
# LAURA
Yeah, same.
# MARISHA
I'm going to button up and go full Cobalt colors.
# MATT
You got it. Anyway, Simone leans forward and goes, "Why hello there! What can I do for you? "You looking for rooms for the night?"
# LAURA
Mm-hmm.
# MATT
"How many is that? Book a room each?"
# TRAVIS
Four rooms? Three?
# LAURA
Three rooms, I think, should do it.
# MATT
"How many?"
# LAURA
Three.
# MATT
"Three? Three rooms, all right. Well, we got plenty of space with events being as they have "been. That'll put you back about, let's say one gold, one silver for the three?"
# LAURA
That sounds like a very good deal. Thank you so much.
# MATT
"All right, no worries."
# LAURA
Yeah, I'll pay for it.
# MATT
Fumbles through some keys and passes them out to you. "Feel free to distribute as need be.
"If you need anything, let me know."
# TRAVIS
You said with events being as they have been. We noticed there's been a ruckus recently.
# MATT
"Yeah, you could say that. You could say that. I mean, 'ruckus' is a word."
# TRAVIS
Calm the last few days? Any reason why we should be apprehensive this evening?
# MATT
"I certainly hope not. We've kind of seen kind of the craziest thing Felderwin's ever seen "in most of its history since war with the Dominion. So I sincerely hope not. I mean, it's "one less competitive inn, but poor Jer. I just feel bad for everyone that lost their homes and "businesses in that affair. It's not good."
# TRAVIS
I understand. The aftermath, we saw troops leaving on our way in.
# MATT
"Yeah, they've been here a few weeks just walking around. Just in case they came back."
# TRAVIS
They catch any of those that were guilty of all this?
# MATT
"No. They came in without warning. Just tore through, burned things and left."
# LAURA
We were hoping to buy some potions while we were here. Do you know if there's a good alchemy shop or anything around?
# MATT
"Yeah, see, the only real alchemist around here was one of the homesteads that "burned down, unfortunately."
# LAURA
Oh no.
# MATT
"But there's the Crossroads not too far from here; big trading post in the middle of the "Marrow Valley." Which you've been to before.
"That's probably your best bet."
# LAURA
Do you know? The alchemy shop, what was the name of it?
# MATT
"Oh, that was the Brenatto Apothecary."
# LAURA
Brenatto Apo-- Do you know if this Brenatto is around, still?
# MATT
"Last I heard, Brenatto went missing. Could probably ask the crownsguard. I don't think "they've updated anything. But--"
# LAURA
Okay.
# MATT
"Most of the folks here got killed in the fire, so might best ask them."
# TALIESIN
Crownsguard is probably our best bet if some of the people we're looking for happen to be still missing in the aftermath, then?
# MATT
"I can imagine."
# TALIESIN
All right.
# LAURA
Great.
# TRAVIS
Appreciate ya.
# MATT
"No worries. We have two meals here: one shortly after dusk; and bright and early in the "morning, right after sunup. You got about an hour window. If you miss it, well, there's plenty of-- "Should be plenty of food amongst the city to find, so good luck."
# LAURA
Did we miss the meal already today, then?
# MATT
"Nah, you've still got a few hours before sundown, so just come on by and go ahead "and get me and my wife cooking."
# TALIESIN
This is going to sound weird, but is there a florist around? Or anybody who deals with exotics? Exotic herbs, plants, or otherwise.
# MATT
"You mean herbs and spices? Yeah. I mean, there's Felderwin General has all manner of "various flavorings if that's what you're looking for."
# TALIESIN
Something exciting.
# MATT
"Yeah. Felderwin's not known for its excitement, necessarily. But keep your eye out.
"Who knows what you'll find with the right questions, I don't know. I've seen some wild folk "come in these doors in my days, I'll tell you that much. Not all as colorful as you, though.
"So can't say my experiences are a good basis of comparison, if you catch my drift."
# TALIESIN
I'm looking forward to a little quiet.
# MATT
"You and me both. Now all them soldiers are out of here at least. I'm going to miss the "coinage, but I ain't going to miss the riff-raff."
# TRAVIS
Thank you.
# MATT
"Yeah, no worries. I'll see you around dinner time, then."
# LAURA
All right.
# TRAVIS
Ducey. A florist?
# TALIESIN
I need something. It's nice to have something complicated to use to focus myself.
# MARISHA
Complicated? Is that what you said?
# TALIESIN
Mm.
# LAURA
(puffing)
# TALIESIN
Not quite, but yeah.
# LAURA
Oh, really? I was joking.
# SAM
Like tea?
# MARISHA
Poppy seeds?
# TALIESIN
Anything. Preferably some sort of flower or living plant but if it's--
# MARISHA
Chamomile? Black-eyed Susans?
# TRAVIS
Stop.
# TALIESIN
The notion is, I'm looking for something that is a testament to the abilities of the Wildmother, so anything that is a gift from her to us. Something impressive, something beautiful, something tasty.
# LAURA
Honey!
# TALIESIN
I've never tried honey. I don't know if it would work, but that's interesting.
# MARISHA
I mean, it's essence of flower and bee puke. It's a miracle.
# TALIESIN
I usually tend to stick a little closer to the source. I also don't really necessarily know how I would perform the ritual with honey.
# LIAM
I have a decent amount of molasses, if you like.
# TALIESIN
I honestly don't know the difference between molasses and honey.
# LIAM
Well, one is the bee poop; but molasses comes out of a tree.
# TALIESIN
Tree poop and bee poop.
# MARISHA
Well, it's more of a-- it's fine.
# TRAVIS
Let it ride.
# SAM
I have some tobacco.
# TALIESIN
That might be interesting, but I think I should probably see if there's anything around, possibly.
# MARISHA
I have this red feather from Nila.
She was also a firbolg.
# TALIESIN
I'm not sure how that relates, but that is a very beautiful feather.
# MARISHA
Well. Yeah, that's fair.
# MATT
If you'd like to, make an investigation check to wander about the town to see if you can manage to muster some supplies.
# SAM
I can give him some advice on places to look.
# MATT
Actually, you would-- yeah. Take some advantage on that.
# TALIESIN
Do you want to roll? Okay, no. I'll roll it because my investigation is amazing.
Here we go. Come on. Ah! That's a natural 20.
That brings me to a-- that's a 19, then.
# MATT
Felderwin would be one of the few places in the empire where the Wildmother would be very popular if she weren't outlawed, and you get the sense that there might even be an unspoken worship to her amongst this very rural farming community.
# TALIESIN
I'm hoping to find an orchid or something. Something interesting.
# MATT
You manage to go to both Felderwin General and, with Nott's help, sneak into one of the elaborate specialty herb-growing boxes, specifically for the purpose of various medicinal herbs. We'll say, over the period of the next 30 minutes or so, you gather what would be about 25 gold worth of--
# TALIESIN
It's as if you knew what I was doing.
Thank you. (laughs) Thank you, and here goes 25 gold. That's all I needed to do, really.
That was my pre-game.
# MATT
Okay. Anyone else got anything?
# SAM
This is not nighttime yet, we're just--
# MATT
No, but you're getting closer.
# LAURA
We're keeping an eye out for any cloaked, robed elven people. Yeah, we're trying to avoid them.
# MARISHA
Would Nott know of a general physician, a doctor? Someone?
# SAM
I mean, we have one with us-- two with us.
# MARISHA
Local doctor.
# SAM
Local doctor.
# TRAVIS
That might know locals?
# SAM
Oh, someone who might have repaired one of the soldiers or something like that?
# MARISHA
It said in those papers about them being sick from the-- the town complaining about sluggishness.
# MATT
You do know there is a female human physician in the town. There's a number of physicians and people, but there is one named Demi Leric, who is the altruistic member of the community. Doesn't charge, but accepts donations and is often the first to try and help out those of the more meager lifestyle in this farming community.
# SAM
Okay.
# TRAVIS
Demi Leric, you say.
# SAM
Dr. Demi Leric, medicine woman.
# MATT
(laughs) More or less. Sure.
# LAURA
I also want to find a crownsguard.
# MATT
Easy enough to find as you're glancing around because they're fairly present and conversing. You see one set of three that are walking past. The one seems most energetic in conversation is in the process of regaling the other two with some inane tale.
Scrawny, human-looking fellow, looking like he's mid-30s or so, chin scruff, but can't quite grow a full beard. Like me, apparently.
# LAURA
You have a lovely, full beard, Matthew.
# MATT
I'm still getting used to it.
# TRAVIS
(whisper) Come forth! Come forth!
# LAURA
(explosion) I'll split off from the group so that I'm not drawing attention. Excuse me?
# MATT
"Hey. Yeah, can I help you?"
# LAURA
Yeah, I'm staying at the local inn right now. I have a friend. He's losing a little bit of his hair, and he was hoping-- I was hoping for a present I could get him, maybe a potion that would grow it? Do you know where I could find somebody that could grow hair, a potion maker or something?
# MATT
"Can't say I'm too familiar with hair tonics, per se."
# LAURA
I don't know what kind of potions can be made. Do you know?
# MATT
"If you're looking for anything too fancy, I'd probably recommend heading on to Zadash."
# LAURA
Okay, okay. What about alchemy? Is there a local alchemist or something?
# MATT
"Not anymore, unfortunately."
# LAURA
No?
# MATT
"That was one of the buildings we lost to the cricks a few weeks back."
# LAURA
Oh no! The building is gone; what about the person that ran the shop?
# MATT
"Hell if I know. Cricks ran in here and started killing people left and right and "left in the same hour they arrived. It was like a swift nightmare, tearing through here."
# LAURA
That's insane. I've never seen a crick.
What do they look like?
# MATT
"Let me tell you, did you ever have one of them terrible dreams where something comes out of "the darkness and tries to grab at you and cut at you? It's burning eyes of evil and dark armor of "shadow and nothing?"
# LAURA
Mm-hmm?
# MATT
"Well, imagine a bunch of them popping out of the ground and cutting down your friends--"
# LAURA
How did they pop out of the ground?
# MATT
"Hell if I know! A bunch of ground-dwelling, weird, dark elf folk."
# LAURA
Did you have to fight them?
# MATT
"Well, I fought a number of them myself, trying to protect my buddies here, but "not everyone was so lucky."
# LAURA
You must be so brave.
# MATT
"Oh, no. Just--"
# LAURA
I mean, you look really brave.
# MATT
"I'm just doing my job, ma'am."
# LAURA
Wow! Well, all right. I guess I'll have to go to another town for a potion. Can you point me in the direction of this shop?
# MATT
"The one that was here?"
# LAURA
Yeah.
# MATT
"That's right over-- you go head down two blocks and to the right, follow that on for about "seven, eight or so buildings on the left. It's hard to miss. It's the second one on the left "that's burned down."
# LAURA
Okay. Hey, maybe the owner ran away or something, right?
# MATT
"Here's to hoping."
# LAURA
Yeah. Fingers crossed!
# MATT
"Indeed."
# LAURA
(sighing)
# MATT
Is there anything else you're looking to find out?
# LAURA
No, I just wanted to see if they saw him leaving the town. That's all.
# MATT
You'd probably have to find somebody who was a little more in the thick of it.
# LAURA
Yeah.
# TALIESIN
That soldier was totally hitting on you.
# LAURA
A lot of soldiers hit on me. It's no big deal.
# TALIESIN
He wasn't even here when the fighting happened. He was lying. Sorry. So brave. Sorry.
# MATT
Anyone else want anything?
# MARISHA
I want to find Demi Leric.
# MATT
Okay. It takes you a little while. Not too long with Nott's help guiding you in that direction, but finding the right building-- because the sign itself that has Demi Leric's name on it is itself smoke-covered from-- it's across the street from one of the buildings that was damaged by the fire. As you walk over towards the edge, the door is partially ajar.
# MARISHA
(knocking)
# MATT
"Wait just a minute! Now sit down. It's going to hurt a bit longer. Come in!" You open the door, come inside. It's a very simple establishment. Immediately the smell hits you of various smells like medicinal herbs and very strong chemicals. You see four, five cots that are set up, two of which have recovering townsguard that are bandaged up and currently laying down.
One of them appears to be asleep. The other one is sitting there with a fresh set of bandages put over burns. You see Demi turn around. Human woman, maybe late 20s, early 30s or so, heavyset, bright smile, bright eyes, but sleeves rolled to the elbows and all business. She turns around, and the fingers are hit with whatever material was used to apply the burn bandages to the one soldier. She wipes her hands, this viscous oil-like substance, and wipes them on a cloth. "Well, can I help you?"
# MARISHA
Hi, yes. I'm Beauregard of the Cobalt Soul. I've been sent here from Zadash.
# MATT
"All right."
# MARISHA
If you have a few minutes, I would love to ask you a few questions.
# MATT
"Certainly. Feel free to go and ask."
# MARISHA
We're taking statements from people, trying to figure out some incongruencies that might have been happening over the past few months.
# MATT
"Incongruency, all right."
# MARISHA
Did you ever notice any increased amount of patients feeling sick, sluggish, anything off?
# MATT
"Well, I mean, they're pretty sluggish right now, but that's for obvious reasons." MARISHA:. Not the most recent two weeks, burnt-in-a-fire-type of off. Before then.
"We've had a few strange complaints maybe about a month, two months ago. Just a wave of "general, a nauseous-- I assumed it was maybe some bad food that got through a bit. Wasn't too serious."
# MARISHA
Wave of nausea? Anything else? What makes you think that they were related, as opposed to general food poisoning? What was strange about them?
# MATT
"It was a bunch of people complaining about the same thing in a very short period of time.
"I assumed maybe it was related."
# MARISHA
Did they all happen to live in a similar area of town?
# MATT
"Yeah, they were all in a cluster right in this region, which is why they all came to me."
# MARISHA
All in a cluster. Sorry, just taking notes, just want to make sure I get everything correct.
# MATT
"Yeah, no worries."
# MARISHA
Okay. Anything else that seems like it might spark your memory of being a little bit odd?
# MATT
"I mean, the town was attacked, and people were killed and burned. That's strange."
# MARISHA
Mm-hmm. Did you know a man by the name of Yeza?
# MATT
"Yeah, he was right down the street."
# MARISHA
Did he come in around that time with the batch of people who were feeling nauseous?
# MATT
"No. To be honest, I was busy trying to treat who I could. That was not a good day."
# MARISHA
It was all one day?
# MATT
"One night, really. Around midnight.
Suddenly buildings were up in flames, people were "screaming. I looked out there, and there were cricks running through the street."
# MARISHA
Do you mind if I talk to a few of your patients for a second?
# MATT
"Be my guest."
# MARISHA
If you think of anything, if you remember anything-- I don't have a card, but I'm staying-- I'll be in town. I might be back.
# MATT
"Great. Well, if you think of any other questions, feel free to ask."
# MARISHA
Thank you, miss.
# SAM
Next time on Colum-Beau.
# MATT
What was the part where she then goes, "And one more thing..."
# SAM
"One more question." (multiple Columbo impressions)
# MATT
For our younger audience: Columbo was a television series.
# MARISHA
Okay, I'm going to go over to one of the guards.
# MATT
Okay, there is one that appears to be asleep, who looks to be a little more combat wounded. The one that's semi-conscious is mostly burns.
# MARISHA
Is the one who's semi-conscious conscious enough to speak?
# MATT
He seems to be. He's sitting there going (pained breathing).
# MARISHA
I go up and slap one of his wounds.
# MATT
(pained yelling) "What is wrong with you?! Who are you?!"
# MARISHA
'Sup? Name's Beau. With the Cobalt Soul.
# MATT
"Great!"
# MARISHA
Yeah. What's your name?
# MATT
"Jeff." (laughter)
# SAM
Yeah, well, it's spelled weird. G-E-O-F-F.
# MATT
He's got two apostrophes between the Fs.
# LIAM
The umlaut's over the second F.
# MATT
Look, man. Not everyone in a fantasy setting has awesome names.
# MARISHA
Good to meet you, Jeff. You patrol the cluster normally?
# MATT
"Yeah, when I'm not laid up like this."
# MARISHA
You look pretty badly burned, obviously.
# MATT
"Yeah, no. That's why I was really appreciating your entrance there.
"Very thoughtful."
# MARISHA
I give him a little bit of my wine from my wine pouch.
# MATT
"I accept your recompense."
# MARISHA
Sorry.
# MATT
At this point, Demi's like, "Wait, wait, wait! No, no, no!"
# MARISHA
Sorry, Demi, sorry.
# MATT
"He's already had enough."
# MARISHA
Jeff, I was curious if you happened to know what happened to Yeza Ber-de-ger-de-ger--?
# TRAVIS
Brenatto?
# MARISHA
Brenatto, or if you were around when the apothecary burned.
# MATT
"Yeah. That's where I got all this."
# MARISHA
Oh.
# MATT
"Was trying to get people out of the flames.
Managed to get his son out, it seems."
# MARISHA
Really?
# MATT
"Yeah. Cricks got him and ran."
# MARISHA
The cricks got him?
# MATT
"Yeah."
# MARISHA
Did you see which direction they ran?
# MATT
"Back to the fucking hole. They headed northward."
# MARISHA
You're sure it was the cricks?
# MATT
"Yeah! Was four of them."
# MARISHA
Okay. Did you see anything else?
# MATT
"Yeah, I saw the fire they pushed me into when I tried to stop them!"
# MARISHA
You were the one who got Luke out?
# MATT
"Well, me and two others, but they didn't, you know, fare as poorly as I did."
# MARISHA
All right. Anything else you remember, anything spark in your mind trying to figure this shit out? I know that's vague.
# MATT
"Yeah. Yeah it is. I mean, it was crazy.
They came in quick.
"Fires were set before we knew what was happening."
# MARISHA
Did you feel like they were looking for something in particular? Were they targeting places?
# MATT
"I guess? The last place they lit was the apothecary."
# MARISHA
Okay. Well, look; you did a good thing, all right, man? You saved a kid.
# MATT
"Thanks?"
# MARISHA
My friend's kid. I don't really care about the kid, but it was my friend's kid, so...
here. I pull out 20 gold, throw it on the table.
# MATT
His eyes go wide.
# MARISHA
You can split that up with your friends, or if you want to keep it, I don't really give a fuck.
# MATT
"So you're from the Cobalt Soul?"
# MARISHA
Yep! Bye! Then I run away.
# MATT
Perfect.
# LAURA
Traci?
# LIAM
Hey, Laura. Hey, Laura. That's a pretty good penis you drew over there. It's very lifelike.
# MARISHA
Oh my god, it's big!
# LAURA
Sam told me to!
# TRAVIS
Did you hear what was revealed in that moment just now?
# MARISHA
It's coming from the depths.
# LIAM
Looks like some stuff happened there, too.
# SAM
This is serious, guys.
# MATT
Anybody else doing anything before you guys reconvene? Is there anything else you want to look for, or are you ready to gather?
# LAURA
It feels like we're supposed to do something.
# MATT
No, I'm just curious. If you've completed your investigation--
# TALIESIN
Oh, oh! Is there a furniture maker in town? Because I really would like to ask them questions about that chair.
# SAM
My husband is missing!
# TALIESIN
I'm done, I'm done! I'm good. This is my attempt to rally everybody. It worked. I swear.
Don't look at me like that, jesus.
Oh god, there's just dicks over there, I don't know what to do.
# MATT
There's no escape, Taliesin.
There's no escaping.
# TALIESIN
Just potential dicks, now. That's better.
# MARISHA
Just potential dicks.
# LAURA
Yeah. The opportunities...
# TRAVIS
Are there specific areas where the tunnels were collapsed after they went back in and covered them up?
# MATT
You can go look if you want to.
# SAM
Yeah, we should look.
# MARISHA
Are we meeting back up?
# LAURA
Yeah, we should meet up and then search.
# MARISHA
All right, meet back up. I kick down the door and I go: Apparently he was taken by cricks! Then I fill them in.
# SAM
Wait, he was?
# LAURA
Can we call them Kryn, please?
# TRAVIS, TALIESIN
Kryn?
# LAURA
That's what they actually are.
# MARISHA
Apparently he was taken by Kryn!
# SAM
He was taken by Kryn? Not by--
# MARISHA
I talked to some soldier boy named Jeff.
# SAM
Weird name.
# MARISHA
I know, right? His parents must not have loved him.
# LAURA
I think Jeff's a really nice name.
# TRAVIS
Yeah, a lot of Jeffs right now are fucking giving you the bird.
# MATT
Jeff's a great name, that's why I used it.
# LAURA
Jeff is a great name. Keep going.
# TRAVIS
Yeah, keep digging.
# SAM
Tell me what Jeff fucking said!
# MARISHA
He said four Kryn came in, scooped up your husband, and ran off.
# SAM
Wait, he saw that happen?
# MARISHA
Yeah, he was there. He ran in and he saved your son.
# SAM
Well, shit, this changes everything.
# LAURA
Wait, wait, wait. What is the possibility that your mean people can change memories?
# LIAM
Pretty good.
# TALIESIN
Still, we should at least investigate this lead now, and tomorrow, if we don't know what's going on, I can-- and I warn you, I will do this, but I'm going to get a little exhausted doing it-- I can at least give us some sense of what's ahead.
# LAURA
Should I try to send him a message and see if he responds?
# TRAVIS
Couldn't hurt.
# SAM, TALIESIN
It could hurt.
# SAM
It could definitely hurt. If she sends a message and he's with the Rexxentrum folks--
# LAURA
Would they know?
# SAM
They might be able to sense that.
# LIAM
Are you talking about what Nott and I do or what you do?
# LAURA
What I do.
# LIAM
That's between you and your god, Jester.
# TRAVIS
Can't they respond to your messages?
# LAURA
Well, yeah, but I can say, "Don't respond if you're by anybody that, you know--"
# TRAVIS
Or "If you're alive, just say ow"?
# LAURA
Oh, that's good. What if I do that?
# SAM
Why don't we try Mr. Clay's idea first? See if he's alive and then we'll try to send a message.
# TALIESIN
Let's take a look at these tunnels. I'm actually very curious about this.
# TRAVIS
We'll go find a nearby crownsguard and see if they can point us in the direction of where some of those collapsed tunnels were.
# MATT
Okay. So you heading to the tunnel first?
# TRAVIS
Mm-hmm.
# LIAM
Is it dark yet?
# MATT
By this point, you guys gathering, yeah, dusk has happened. You can eat first or miss your meal.
# LAURA
We only have an hour. We need to get our free food.
# TALIESIN
We'll get a little food and then we'll check it out by night.
# MATT
The meal is actually quite fresh.
Being a farm town, it's nothing fancy, but everything's hearty and quite delectable. Heading your way outside of Felderwin, to the northeast side where it begins to border on the Tillage itself, there's a group of about eight crownsguard that are circled around three-- what would have been the exit burrows. From this distance, you can see it's like a sinkhole. It's caved in a bit.
From this distance, you can't see any further than a few inches to indicate that that seems to be where it was, and the guards are keeping a perimeter just in case anything were to return.
# TRAVIS
I'll walk up. Excuse me!
# MATT
As you approach he's like, "Hi, can I help you?"
# TRAVIS
Yeah, sorry, we're just passing by.
We heard this was the scene of all the unfortunateness.
# MATT
"Yeah, that's what I hear, too."
# TRAVIS
Has it been cased, this area? Searched for, I don't know, anything left over by the invading hordes?
# MATT
"As far as I know. I'm just stationed here, but they've been looking this thing up and down "for two, almost three weeks now."
# TRAVIS
Who's they?
# MATT
"The guard, the Righteous Brand. Some of them fancy folk from Rexxentrum."
# TRAVIS
Fancy?
# MATT
"Yeah, I mean, they're all fucking fancy from up there, but some of them elvish people."
# TRAVIS
Oh, I think I saw them.
What were they doing?
# MATT
"I don't fucking know. They don't talk to me."
# TRAVIS
Fair enough. You know if they found anything, took anything out of the dirt?
# MATT
"No."
# TRAVIS
They tell you that these might open up again, or they might be in imminent peril? I see there's eight of you guys.
# MATT
"I certainly hope not. From what I can tell, wasn't just the cricks." Then one of the other guys, one of the soldiers, goes like, "I was here. I saw it."
# TRAVIS
You were here?
# MATT
"Yeah, no, I mean, they didn't dig them.
Something dug it for them."
# TRAVIS
Is that right?
# MATT
"It was a big old mouth made of teeth just carved out of the ground and then withdrew, "and then they poured out."
# TRAVIS
My god, that sounds terrible.
# MATT
"Yeah, yeah! I hate this job."
# TRAVIS
When you saw the big mouth with teeth? What'd you do?
# MATT
"Fucking ran! What do you think I'm going to do?"
# TRAVIS
Damn right, fast as you could I'll bet.
# MATT
The other guys look at him, like (scoffing) and he's like, "What?! "You would've done the same!"
# LAURA
Was it like a worm or something?
# MATT
"Something like that, yeah."
# TRAVIS
Did it come out of the ground or did it go back in after?
# MATT
"No, it broke through but just came out a few feet, and then it pulled back in.
"We were like, 'What the fuck is that?' Then the cricks came running out."
# LAURA
Do you think the Kryn came out of the worm thing?
# MATT
"I mean, it's possible."
# TRAVIS
How big was this creature?
# MATT
"I don't know, it was big. From what I saw it was maybe, I don't know, ten feet wide?"
# TRAVIS
Wow, that's significant. Were you also here or far away when they made their hasty retreat?
# MATT
"I was over there." He points off maybe a hundred or so feet away.
# TRAVIS
Keeping an eye out?
# MATT
"Yeah."
# TRAVIS
Could you see anything that was driving them off or were they just taking their sweet time as they left?
# MATT
At this point the other, first guard you were talking to goes, "Hey, what's your "business here, anyway?"
# TRAVIS
We've come across these cricks before. We saw them in Zadash. There was a big ruckus in the middle of the city. Trying to learn all we can.
I don't know when we'll come across them next.
I feel like share and share alike, you know?
# MATT
Make a deception check.
# TRAVIS
16.
# MATT
He nods for a second and goes, "All right, so, I guess have a look around. It's already been "given the once-over many times, so take a moment if you need it."
# SAM
Has anyone gone down and followed the tunnels?
# MATT
He points over the third one and he goes, "They've been digging that one for about "two weeks, but eventually gave up."
# TRAVIS
Why'd they stop?
# MATT
"They collapsed them behind them and there's only so much you can go. If they dug all the way "from Xhorhas, do you have any idea how long those tunnels would go for?"
# TRAVIS
Pretty long.
# MATT
"Don't really have that kind of manpower here in Felderwin. The soldiers all left, so "I'm not going to keep digging."
# TRAVIS
I appreciate it. We won't take up much of your time. We thought we'd have a gander around, if that's all right.
# MATT
"Eh, go for it. How many you got?"
# LAURA
Seven?
# MATT
"And you're all investigating?"
# LAURA
Some of us are just hanging out.
# TALIESIN
It wasn't our intention, but things being what they are, this seems to be the new reality of the world, doesn't it?
# MATT
"All right, just no funny business.
I'll be keeping an eye on you."
# TRAVIS
Fair enough. Being that fancy folk were here, I don't suppose there's any point in doing our particular brand of searching.
# LAURA
I have a question. When you Blink out-- I haven't done it very much, but I feel like it's the Ethereal Plane, right, that we go to?
# TRAVIS
The what?
# LAURA
The Ethereal Plane?
# TRAVIS
What is that?
# LAURA
It's another plane.
The Traveler told me about it.
# TRAVIS
I don't talk to The Traveler.
# LAURA
Oh. Well, I feel like we go to this other plane, right? You can walk through things on that plane, because it's not quite the same. So what if we Blinked, and then we could go through where they collapsed the tunnel? Then we could be in the tunnel and just see, you know? Then come back!
# TRAVIS
That's a good idea, except for what if the whole tunnel's collapsed and we Blink into the earth?
# LAURA
Well, I don't think you can do that. Right?
# TRAVIS
I mean, I imagine anything is possible in this world of magic and mystery, but I bet it would hurt a lot.
# LAURA
You can't Blink if the spot is taken up, right?
# MATT
I would say if you were attempting to Blink into a solid space, it would shunt you out of the space and you would take a little bit of force damage. General rules for shifting out of ethereal space into matter.
# LAURA
I'm not trying to Dimension Door.
That one scares me a bit.
# TRAVIS
I don't know about you, but when I Blink, I can only appear about ten feet from where I previously was.
# LAURA
Yeah, that's what I mean! We Blink right here. Then we walk where the tunnel was and we go into the tunnel.
# TALIESIN
I can walk through stone.
# LAURA
Or we could just do that.
# TRAVIS
That's better.
# TALIESIN
I mean, I'd want to know where I was going, and I can only go alone.
# LIAM
I'm no expert on worms, but I would imagine that it is more collapsed earth than open space.
# TALIESIN
I would imagine so as well.
# LIAM
They chew their way their way through the earth and poop out the remains.
# TALIESIN
Just honey all the way back.
# TRAVIS, TALIESIN
Or molasses.
# MARISHA
So much nature poop.
# SAM
So our choices are--?
# TALIESIN
We should have this conversation in here, because I want to take a look around in this thing.
# SAM
In the tunnel?
# TALIESIN
Yeah, they offered us.
# TRAVIS
It's sunken earth, right?
# MATT
You approach and see there are three tunnels, and they're scattered maybe 300 feet apart from each other, approximately. Between 200 and 300 feet. The first one you're at here sinks in about ten, 15 feet; and it looks like crumbled stone and earth with patches of fresh dirt, and the roots that were upended as it tore through folding over onto the pile. It looks like it's been left as it was. You go over and inspect the other one and the same guard and few others walk with you to keep a close eye. The one in the middle, this is the one that's been dug out.
It's just pitch black below.
# TALIESIN
Light.
# MATT
Okay, you cast Light. The soldiers take a step back as soon as they see you make a gesture and brightness seems to appear.
# TALIESIN
It's all in the stone.
# MATT
Yeah. The tunnel goes straight down. Well, close to straight down. It comes at a fairly steep incline. There is a rope affixed to a heavy wooden pike that's been banged into the ground.
Do you head down inside?
# TALIESIN
I mean, yeah. Unless anybody's got an objection.
# TRAVIS
Nope. Oh, you're doing your walk thing.
# TALIESIN
No, I'm just walking.
# MATT
Your walk, technically, can only go something that's five feet inward.
You can't just glide through stone.
# TALIESIN
Oh, is that true? Oh. I didn't know that. Well, I don't have that as an option right now, anyway.
# MATT
There you go. You head down inside, and off to the side of it there's a small pile of dirt and rock. It looks like a lot of it has been moved off of the premises for the time being. As you head down and continue to walk, it evens out. It probably descends to a depth of about 50 or 60 feet below and continues at a steady decline on for about another-- as you continue to walk, continuing to walk, you get to a full close to 200 feet in before it comes to an ending point.
There's a few carts at the base carrying dirt and rock up. You can see shovels and pickaxes and all sorts of materials that have been left behind by the team that gave up trying to excavate this tunnel.
# TALIESIN
There's no marking on it? This is an obviously organically-carved tunnel?
# MATT
Looks to be, yeah.
# TALIESIN
The footprints going in and out, there's nothing--
# MATT
Make a survival check.
# TALIESIN
Wow. Never really done one of those. 19.
# MATT
Okay. There are all sorts of footprints in here. There have been soldiers and crownsguard and all sorts of people in and out of this tunnel. You can see cart tracks and everything, but you can definitely tell that the edges of the top of the tunnel have a smoother, natural carving to them, whatever creature it is definitely burrowed. With that roll, I'd say you do make out a few footsteps that resemble more armored boots that are more unique against the profile of the general crownsguard and/or Righteous Brand soldiers.
# TALIESIN
In both directions?
# MATT
In both directions.
# TALIESIN
All right. Interesting. Very interesting. They were definitely in here and they definitely left this way.
# TRAVIS
Any reason to use your radar and see if anything was missed?
# TALIESIN
My radar? What do you mean?
# TRAVIS
Anything magical. Anything arcane.
# TALIESIN
Detect Magic.
# MATT
Okay. Nothing in the vicinity catches your attention, unfortunately.
# TALIESIN
Nothing, really. Just for fun, because we can, Eyes of the Grave, too. Just for fun.
# MATT
Okay. Nothing catches your attention there either.
# TALIESIN
No? I figured. Nothing.
# SAM
So we could continue following this tunnel for several hundred miles and see where it goes, or we could take my son to Alfield, or we could head to Rexxentrum and start tracking down Caleb's old teachers.
# TRAVIS
They're still here.
# SAM
They are? I thought they bamfed out.
# LIAM
We don't know. We don't really know.
# TRAVIS
No, they bamfed in. Didn't see them leave.
# LIAM
Yeah, but they can do that in a basement.
# TRAVIS
Yeah, but we can kill them too.
# SAM
I'm all for it. What do we do?
# MARISHA
I feel like we shouldn't try and assassinate the head of the Cerberus Assembly; not right now, maybe.
# LAURA
This is overwhelming!
# TRAVIS
Just as a warm up. All right?
# SAM
Do we know anyone who can help us?
# MARISHA
We just made an alliance, sort of, with Yussa.
# LAURA
Yussa's pretty powerful.
# SAM
We can't get back there for weeks.
# TALIESIN
We could message.
# LAURA
I could send him a message!
# MARISHA
We could also go back to Zadash.
# SAM
We know folks there.
# LAURA
Yeah, we do.
# TALIESIN
In the morning, and I can't guarantee this, but we'll at least know if he's alive and maybe a sense of whether or not he's above ground or below ground and that'll certainly inform our decision.
# LAURA
Yeah.
# TALIESIN
Maybe. I'll glean what I can but, it's a soft process.
# SAM
Okay.
# TRAVIS
Do we want to abandon this tunnel? I can jump forward 90 feet in a direction.
# LAURA
If you bamf forward and there is stuff blocking the way, will you get really hurt?
# TRAVIS
I don't know. I think I'll get shunted out.
# MARISHA
Are you talking about the thundery one that's real loud?
# LAURA
That's a little different.
# TRAVIS
Yeah, that one.
# LAURA
Right?
# MARISHA
It won't collapse the tunnel on our heads when you do it, will it?
# SAM
Or we could just walk 90 feet ahead.
# LAURA
The tunnel is blocked.
# SAM
Oh, okay.
# LAURA
About 200 feet in, the tunnel is blocked.
# LIAM
We have no idea how deep the blockage goes.
# MATT
Just so you're aware, Thunder Step, as most teleportation effects, you have to teleport to a location you can see.
# TRAVIS
In my mind's eye!
# MATT
I mean, if you want to get real crazy, roll the dice!
# TRAVIS, MARISHA
(singing) Roll the dice!
# TALIESIN
I'm going to try something really quickly, just for fun. I'm going to use Thaumaturgy really quickly and I'm going to broadcast a low bass chant and I'm going to throw it as far forward down that tunnel as I possibly can to see if I can get some sort of vibration coming back that they can hear. I'm going to start throwing this (low bass humming).
If there's air to vibrate or I'm making sound in solid rock as a boosting of your-- It may not work.
# MATT
I see what you're doing.
# TALIESIN
Trying to use some sort of nature theory here.
# MATT
That's interesting. It's a cantrip, so there's definite limitations on its ability.
# SAM
It's the most powerful spell.
# LAURA
I use Thaumaturgy and I'm like: Whoa, that's really cool! Did you see it? There's a bunch of whispers of people going, "That's so cool!"
# TALIESIN
You can get really loud. That's the question, is can I get loud enough to hear myself like if I was trapped in there? Or am I-- yeah.
# MATT
I'll say two things: One, roll just a straight wisdom check for me.
# TALIESIN
Straight wisdom check. 13.
# MATT
13, okay. You close your eyes and focus, feeling your feet connecting with the earth below you, letting the Wildmother's power suffuse your torso, your abdomen, your legs, and your feet into the earth below as you begin to release that low vibration. The hum carries through your body and into rock below and the vibration carries into the ground and due to the nature of this cavern you're in, it echoes pretty loudly in this space. You all can gently feel it and the guards in the back start looking around a bit nervous, not quite sure what's happening. One of them runs off afraid.
He's like, "It's going to collapse!"
# LAURA
I'm picturing like a didgeridoo.
# LAURA, TALIESIN
(low rumbling noises)
# MATT
You've run it for awhile, you've cast the vibration into the rock. What are you going to do to try and listen for?
# TALIESIN
Honestly? I'm going to try and see and cut it off to see if there's an echo coming through the rocks, basically, in that split second.
# MATT
Make a perception check.
# TALIESIN
Into it! 18.
# MATT
You immediately rush up to edge of where the stone is, the most solid piece of it that's on that side and listen. You feel like you can very vaguely hear what might be gap a ways in at some point. You're not sure how far away it might be and you're not sure how big the gap may be.
It could be just a small pocket, it could be a continuation of the tunnel, but there does appear to be some minor element of vibration that carried through with some differentiation.
# TALIESIN
How deep are we underground right now?
# MATT
At the full end of this tunnel? I'd say you're about 80 or so feet deep.
# TALIESIN
Okay, cool. I'm just going to do that.
I'm not going to inform anybody of anything that just happened and be like: Okay, I'm good.
# MARISHA
All right.
# TRAVIS, SAM
Back to the inn.
# TALIESIN
Thank you for that.
# MATT
As you guys gather your thoughts, and march back to the inn in the evening air over Felderwin, we're going to take a break.
# ALL
Woo!
# MATT
We're going to be right back here in a few minutes. In the interim, we have our fantastic friends at Wyrmwood's Wyrmwood giveaway! Run, run like the wind.
# SAM
She's running. She has to go do the other D&D streaming show that she's on.
# MATT
Exactly.
# TALIESIN
Wow. That was good.
# MATT
This is Bolivian rosewood. Nice leather interior there, really nice dice box going to one of our friends out there. For you guys wanting to enter this drawing at the break, head on over to the Critical Role Twitch chat, that's twitch.tv/criticalrole, and enter the key phrase "tension." T-E-N-S-I-O-N.
# SAM
How did you know?
# MATT
I don't know, it's like last week ended with a lot of tension. Enter it once; more than once you'll be disqualified, and unfortunately due to giveaway rules, only people in the US and Canada excluding Quebec can enter. We'll have a winner when we return, so see you guys here in a few minutes.
# TRAVIS
Damn!
# SAM
Wow!
# MATT
Welcome back. Before we jump back in, we have a winner of our Wyrmwood giveaway.
The winner tonight is palingratz. Palingratz, congratulations! We'll get that sent to you ASAP, and we'll have our next giveaway next week. As you all return back to the tavern where you're staying, the Goldfield Tavern and Lodge, you gather your thoughts and yourselves in your respective chambers. What would you like to do?
# SAM
Shit, we should have talked about this during the fucking break.
# TRAVIS
Nope, that would have been out of form for us. No. We don't do that.
# SAM
What do we do?
# LIAM
We plan everything.
# TRAVIS
Yes, of course.
# TALIESIN
I tried to get a sense if there was something beyond that.
I don't know, I got a hint of something.
# TRAVIS
You did?
# TALIESIN
I think maybe there's something past that wall.
# SAM
Oh, in the tunnel? You're not talking about my husband who I want to know if he's alive or not?
# TALIESIN
I can't know that until dawn. If we do decide to go that direction, I think that there is definitely a chance that we could dig far enough and deep enough to make passage.
# MARISHA
Guys. Hot take. The Kryn aren't the bad guys.
# SAM
That is a hot take. It's funny that you said that because-- and it may have been because I was not drunk at the time. I was thinking, when you were talking, Caleb, or Bren, about Rexxentrum and how it's heavily protected and guarded, and how it's impossible to get in and make an assault on it, I immediately thought, well, what if we went in with the Kryn and attacked with them?
# LIAM
To do...?
# TRAVIS
Are you talking about aligning ourselves with the people that ganked your husband?
# SAM
I don't know that they've ganked him.
First of all, he might be dead.
# TALIESIN
We'll know tomorrow.
# SAM
He might be ganked, but he might not be ganked by who we think ganked him.
# MARISHA
I mean, aside from the mind-altering magic that we've already mentioned, all of us can change our appearance. Maybe what you're talking about, about them coming in and using the crick, maybe that's what they did. Maybe they did your exact suggestion first, and they disguised themselves to look like the Kryn and came in.
I don't know.
# SAM, MARISHA
So many unknowns!
# LIAM
I did not say that it is heavily fortified, although I'm sure it is. It is the largest city in the empire. When I lived there-- and it was only briefly when I was at school-- I could go anywhere in the city I wanted because I'm a citizen of the empire.
# SAM
I assume it's a hard place to attack or infiltrate.
# LIAM
The largest city in the empire?
# MARISHA
Rexxentrum.
# LIAM
That would be hard to attack.
# TRAVIS
Unless you could dig underground with a bunch of pet worms.
# TALIESIN
Does make one wonder why they haven't done that yet.
# TRAVIS
Maybe they're baby steps.
# MARISHA
Yeah. Doesn't feel like too many places on the map are off limits.
# TRAVIS
Plus it'd be super nice if you could take the most powerful city in the empire and slow it the fuck down before you attacked it.
That might work.
# TALIESIN
This is all very confusing.
# MARISHA
Speaking of, when I was talking to the doctor, Demi, she said she had a few instances over the last month or so where people were coming in feeling nauseous, feeling not like themselves in a grouped amount of time.
All from the cluster.
# TALIESIN
Do we want to poke this thing tonight, or do we not?
# SAM
Poke the tunnel?
# TALIESIN
Not the tunnel. I mean--
# TRAVIS
We'll get to the tunnel. We need to get her son out, and then we can decide.
What thing were you talking about poking?
# TALIESIN
We have an object. We have another object. Maybe we haven't really-- I mean, I doubt that we really understand what we have, but--
# MARISHA
You want to head towards Xhorhas, is what you're saying.
# TALIESIN
I mean, we have these things right now.
# LAURA
Are you saying you want to look at them?
# TALIESIN
I kind of do.
# LAURA
Because Yussa said we shouldn't pull it out. Especially right now, if people are looking for it, it could be really bad.
# TALIESIN
I suppose.
# MARISHA
That's the thing. You're talking about poking that thing? The dodecahedron?
# TRAVIS
Yep. That's what he's talking about.
# MARISHA
No!
# SAM
To do what?
# TRAVIS
Because it's there to do.
Normally, all about that.
# LAURA
If Fjord is saying that is a bit-- then you know.
# TALIESIN
I'll follow the group, but--
# TRAVIS
Dragon sucked.
# TALIESIN
-- I'm here because where I was, I was out of options. We've definitely found some options. I don't know what they mean yet, but I went looking for them, and here we are.
# TRAVIS
I agree.
# MARISHA
Caleb-- sorry, Caduceus. Freudian slip.
# TRAVIS
Carl. Kevin. Keep going.
# LAURA
Brent.
# MATT
Jeff.
# TRAVIS
It's a "K" sound.
# MARISHA
You said the life force was being sucked away from your grave, from your home.
# TALIESIN
That's right. Has been for a while. The forest that surrounds it, the corrupted forest, is overtaking it as if the magic that held it in place is being supplanted. I'm of the opinion that that shouldn't be happening. There are several other-- we're not the only site like our own.
We haven't had much communication with the other sites, so I don't know if it's happening anywhere else.
# LAURA
Do you want me to send them a message?
# TALIESIN
I wouldn't even know who to send it to.
We're supposed to protect that place, and I was running out of ideas.
# TRAVIS
You said we.
# TALIESIN
My family.
# TRAVIS
How many of them are there?
# TALIESIN
Oh, lots. I mean, depending on when and where. Members of my family and others have been protecting that place for as long as it has existed. We built the temple. We founded it.
# LAURA
Your family's still there now?
# TALIESIN
No, they all left.
# MARISHA
You said also to look for answers, though, right? They left first?
# TALIESIN
Yeah, and none of them have come back.
# MARISHA
You have any idea which direction they were heading?
# TALIESIN
Not really.
# MARISHA
You can speak to the Wildmother. You've checked in on a few of our friends. Do you ever check in on them, see what the Wildmother tells you?
# TALIESIN
I feel like she would let me know if I needed to know. That's not an answer I really want the-- that's not an answer I'm looking for right now. I'm sure you understand.
# MARISHA
I do.
# TALIESIN
Best to have faith and not second guess how she's decided to move forward. If I recall, Corin talked about trying to find some of the other temples, but I don't know. No one's come back. When you came around, I had an inkling that it was supposed to be my job to do this from the beginning and that I had been shirking my duties.
You all seemed like a very good sign that it was time to take some responsibility.
# SAM
What was your name before this? (laughter)
# TALIESIN
Those who knew me called me Geoff.
(laughter)
# LAURA
It's such a good name!
# TALIESIN
It's a good name. Spelled it with a "G."
# MARISHA
It's a great name.
# TALIESIN
I've got nothing to hide.
# MARISHA
Geoff with a "G" or Jeff with a "J"?
# TALIESIN
"G". What's wrong with you? Don't even--
# MARISHA
Yeah, sure.
# SAM
Can we go to sleep so we can find out if my husband's alive?
# TRAVIS
(laughing) Yeah!
# TALIESIN
Now I have anxiety. I may not sleep tonight, now. It's a lot of pressure to put on a person.
# TRAVIS
Herbal tea, some melatonin, something, right?
# TALIESIN
Oh, this is caffeinated.
I'm going to be up all night. Yeah.
# MARISHA
Jester, you okay?
# LAURA
Yeah.
# MARISHA
What's wrong?
# LAURA
It's a little overwhelming. I mean, this is some serious shit. I mean, I came from Nicodranas, and everything was nice. The empire is really fucked up. Everybody went through such horrible things, and I'm really sorry for everyone. That's all.
# SAM
Thank you. I promise you, if you stay with us, you will also go through some horrible, horrible things.
# LAURA
Don't worry, Nott. I already have.
# SAM
Oh, good.
# LAURA
I'm sure there is worse to come.
We'll get through it, though.
# MARISHA
I mean, nice is boring after a while.
# LAURA
Yeah.
# MARISHA
We can get to nice. Right? Eh.
# LAURA
I would like nice again at some point.
# TALIESIN
I just want home back. I want to know that it's safe again.
# MARISHA
I'm sure there's some beachfront property open in Nicodranas. Maybe, if we work really hard and pool our funds, we can retire.
# LAURA
Yeah.
# TALIESIN
You're always welcome where I live.
# SAM
I'm like nine, so I don't know about retiring yet.
# LAURA
Do you want to be a halfling again?
# SAM
I want to be me again, yes. Yes.
I hope that someday it can happen.
# LAURA
We should talk to Yussa.
Maybe he can help you.
# SAM
That's true. He's a very powerful wizard.
That would be nice.
# MARISHA
You didn't get turned into all the things that you're afraid you are.
It's not how this shit works.
# SAM
Well, I guess it remains to be seen.
# LAURA
You're still pretty cool. I mean, the coolest goblin I've ever known.
# SAM
Yeah, I suppose. That one in Nicodranas was pretty cool, though. He had slicked-back hair--
# LAURA
Yeah, he was wearing pretty fancy clothes and stuff.
# MARISHA
Do you want us to still call you Nott?
# LAURA
Or Veth? Or Vott?
# SAM
Wow, that's weird. Let's stick with Nott for now. When I'm back again, I'll change it.
# MARISHA
Nott and Caleb it is.
# TALIESIN
Until you're ready for something else.
# SAM
Absolutely.
# MARISHA
The Mighty Nein. Made of seven people.
Works great.
# SAM
Nothing makes sense.
# MARISHA
Nope.
# LIAM
Not the name. Not the group. None of it.
# TRAVIS
Well, I'm going to bed.
# LIAM
(sad trombone)
# SAM
That was as Caleb, in canon.
(laughter)
# TRAVIS
You sang!
# MATT
Weirdest use of Prestidigitation I've ever seen.
# LIAM
Little floating trombones.
# MATT
Mysterious Merrie Melodies like (whoomp).
# LIAM
(sad trombone)
# MATT
You guys get an evening's rest in your respective rooms.
The morning greets you with the smell of food being prepared as you head downstairs.
As all of you and two other patrons that are couple of other farmhands--
# TRAVIS
What do they look like?
# MATT
They look like farmhands.
# TALIESIN
What is their real name?
# LAURA
What are they sitting on?
# MATT
Their names are Chair.
Together, they are... Chair.
# SAM, LAURA
(whispering) Chair'otoa.
# MATT
You're a chair.
# TALIESIN
You've been lying.
You don't even have a leg to stand on.
(groaning)
# TRAVIS
Leave the table.
# SAM
When everyone's serious, Taliesin is the comic relief.
# TALIESIN
Here to bring the awkward.
# MATT
Good, I love it. You have your meal.
The day is yours. What do you wish to do?
# TALIESIN
I'm going to find an appropriate spot: somewhere quiet, somewhere with a view, somewhere where the Wildmother's work is well at hand.
# MATT
Okay. That would be probably either on the Tillage itself or some of the small grove clusters along the river that you guys were talking earlier. I assume you're casting Divination?
# TALIESIN
Mm-hmm.
# MATT
A reminder, it is a specific question concerning a goal, event, or activity to occur within seven days.
# LIAM
(whispering) Ask about the chair.
# TALIESIN
You've entirely thrown me.
# MARISHA
(whispering) Was the chair made by Geoff?
# MATT
Whatever you're trying to ascertain, it needs to be involving a specific goal, an event, or activity within the next seven days.
# TALIESIN
Yeah, I was going to basically go for the same thing I did last time, if that still suits.
Unless you would like me to shift a little bit, for your own--
# MATT
I let it go a little bit last time, only because it was a question of what were they doing right now. It's like, well, that's an activity that they were doing, I guess.
Choose your words carefully, is all I'm saying.
# TALIESIN
A goal? Hmm.
# MATT
An event, or an activity. I mean, that's a broad spectrum, so be specific.
# TALIESIN
Yessa. I want to make sure I'm getting the name right, right?
# SAM
Yeza Brenatto.
# TALIESIN
Yeza. I sit, make my circle. What is Yeza's destination? Pushing a few days forward.
# MATT
You close your eyes and concentrate.
It's a beautiful morning, actually.
It's a chilly morning, but this far enough south in the empire, hasn't hit snow yet. The full winter hasn't come into effect, so it's still green fields and mostly blue sky with bits of clouds. As you concentrate, the chilled wind picks up a little bit. Across the wind, it begins to form words through your ears.
(wind blowing) (whispering) "Ghor Dranas."
# TALIESIN
Ghor Dranas.
# SAM
What?
# LIAM
Ghor Dranas. Xhorhas.
# TRAVIS
(whispering) What?
# MARISHA
(whispering) Something Dranas. Ghor Dranas.
# TALIESIN
That's all I have.
# SAM
We've heard that before. That's in Xhorhas.
# LAURA
Yeah. It's in here.
# SAM
Yes, it's in there. The cricks took him.
Does that mean he's alive?
# TALIESIN
Probably.
# SAM
Thank you, Caduceus.
# LAURA
Citadel! They have a citadel.
# TALIESIN
Seems silly to move someone who isn't.
# MATT
Anyone here who's proficient in history, make a history check, if you don't mind.
# MARISHA
I am.
# SAM
How's Yasha? Because she's been to fucking Xhorhas before.
# LAURA
That's right.
# MARISHA
Yeah, I know. What's Yasha up to?
# MATT
Yasha's with you guys.
# SAM
Does she know anything about this place?
# LIAM
I also had notes, and I read a book at the Cobalt Soul about Xhorhas. I have all that.
# MATT
What did you roll?
# LIAM
Oh, 17.
# MARISHA
19.
# MATT
I'm seeing how much detail you get.
19, good! Yasha first pipes in and goes, "Well, I've heard the name. It's far further north than where I lived, and we avoided it because "a lot of the beast folk live that way."
# LIAM
Beast folk. What do you mean?
# MATT
"Meaning the others who wander the wastes.
There are men who are like bull warriors as well, "and bugbears, and other goblinoids. Some are wild and angry and hungry, and we had to protect or "raid them first. Others, they work with the Kryn.
That's farther north, but I've not been there."
# LIAM
Have you ever heard of something called the Luxon?
# MATT
"I have not."
# SAM
What is that? What's Deluxin'?
# LIAM
The Luxon.
# LAURA
It's a casino.
# SAM
No, it is not.
# LIAM
I'm not sure. I read about them, or it. I don't what it is. Something that is having some sort of negative effect on the people of Ghor Dranas.
# MARISHA
Would I know anything about that?
# MATT
No, you would not. But with the history checks you guys did pull on Ghor Dranas, Ghor Dranas is important to the history of the Age of Arcanum. When the gods walked the earth, both Prime Deities and the Betrayer Gods, there were various areas that were considered their realm of influence on the mortal plane, outside of their home realms in the different inner and outer planes. A number of these citadels of the Betrayer Gods were concentrated around Xhorhas and the surrounding landscape. That's where the most intense battles took place of the Calamity, was on Wildemount. Ghor Dranas was the name of the center of their tenuous union. Essentially, in the final years of the Calamity, it was where all of the Betrayer Gods would go to plot the undoing of the rest of the free people and their creators in Exandria. What remains of Ghor Dranas is where the Kryn have established their empire, their dynasty.
It's essentially the capital city of the Kryn dynasty.
# MARISHA
What was it that those letters were saying was under Ghor Dranas? Or they were looking for things?
# LAURA
No, that wasn't it. They were saying that they couldn't believe that Ghor Dranas was holding secrets, like that they had a whole other school of magic that we haven't discovered here.
# LIAM
This, everything we've been talking about.
It says in there that they control fate and time.
# MATT
Yasha pipes up and says, "From all that I know, people in my clan saying that "that area up north is perpetual night."
# LIAM
Ja, I have read this. All around Ghor Dranas.
# MATT
"From what I hear, yes."
# LAURA
Wow.
# LIAM
An empress runs it named Leylas Kryn.
# LAURA
Yeah, I remember hearing about her.
# TALIESIN
We may get lucky if we go into the tunnel. They may still be preparing at some point to head in that direction. They're not there yet.
# LAURA
We could go after them.
# SAM
We're talking about hundreds of miles.
# TALIESIN
They haven't made it that far yet, though.
It's where they will be, not where they are.
# MATT
As a note, just to remind you, if you're thinking of distances and times. The attack transpired weeks ago, so you're not right on their tail. Consider that in what you're planning.
# TRAVIS
They fucking out.
# MATT
Mind you, your options are your options.
# TALIESIN
The north is looking interesting.
# MATT
There are many possibilities here. Many.
# LIAM
We are focusing on your fellow.
# SAM
Well yes, if that's all right with you.
I don't want to drag you all to the center of Xhorhas, where the beasts live, and the capital city where the empress is. It seems like, if we go to Rexxentrum, we're in deep trouble.
If we go to Xhorhas, we're in even worse trouble.
# TALIESIN
I think trouble's going to close up on us, no matter what.
# LIAM
There are beasts in the north, but Yeza is not.
# TRAVIS
I mean, what else are we going to do?
# MARISHA
I oddly feel more comfortable going to Ghor Dranas than I do going to Rexxentrum.
# TALIESIN
I feel like it might be a sign.
# SAM
(huffs) How do we get there? I mean, are we really going to go through tunnels for several weeks until we get--
# TALIESIN
We've got a cart. I'm not even kidding a bit.
# TRAVIS
Maybe, maybe not.
# LAURA
We take our cart, and we head straight toward the worst of the war.
Yeah, that makes perfect sense.
# SAM
Then when we get there, what do we say? Hey everybody, we're here in town to sell our wares!
# TRAVIS
We don't even know if the tunnels are accessible to us. Why don't we see if they are, first?
# TALIESIN
I'll also say, it's not the worst of the war right now, is Ghor Dranas? That's past it.
# MATT
You don't quite know where Ghor Dranas is.
You know it's east. Right now, the war is right here.
These are the garrisons. Put that in the center, there. By the Brokenveil Bluffs, these are where the two, the Ashguard and Rockguard Garrisons are. One of the garrisons has been lost to the Kryn, and they are currently holding it at the border. Bladegarden, right there, is the foremost front of the military now. The conflict right now is being held-- from what you've heard so far. Your information is dicey at best because you've been gone for a while. The last you know, this is where the focus of the conflict is.
There you go.
# LIAM
Gentlemen, we can't fight in here.
# TALIESIN
It's the war room.
# SAM
If we go over land, we'll be going right through the front of the war. If we go under land, we'll be underground for weeks.
# TALIESIN
Also, in tunnels built for war. That's the thing. There's no fighting the war.
# MARISHA
I agree with what one of you said.
# TRAVIS
It was probably me. I'm very wise and agreeable.
# MARISHA
Mm-hmm. That once we get there, we're fucking nobodies. What are we going to do?
# LAURA
Yeah, we can't fight an entire army.
# TALIESIN
We don't have to. That's the thing.
# TRAVIS
Yeah, we took that wrong turn at Albuquerque, right? We'll get back and skedaddle out of there if we have to.
# LAURA
Want me to send him a message? What if I'm like: Hey dude. Do you think that you're going to be able to escape or something?
# TRAVIS
Yeah, weren't we more concerned about that when we thought he was in Rexxentrum?
# LAURA
Oh boy.
# SAM
If you did send him a message, I would urge you to do something hopeful.
# LAURA
Like what? What do you want me to say?
# SAM
Stay alive, and we'll try to find you.
# LAURA
Describe him to me.
# SAM
Well, he is short, even for halflings, and he has bushy brown hair, long sideburns.
I always tell him to cut them, but he always keeps them long. He likes them long.
# LIAM
Nott, can you make yourself look like him?
# LAURA
Oh, that'll work.
# SAM
Oh. Sure, yes, I can. I will Disguise Self.
# MATT
You get a very clear image of the last memory that Nott has of Yeza.
# SAM
Big nose, not a great chin, bushy dark hair, long sideburns, sort of narrow shoulders.
(whispering) Not a looker--
# LAURA
I can see what you saw in him.
# SAM
But he is to me.
# LIAM
He seems like an interesting fellow.
# SAM
He was wonderful.
# TRAVIS, TALIESIN, LAURA
Is.
# SAM
Is.
# MARISHA
How long have you two been married?
# SAM
Do you count the time that I was dead and a goblin?
# TRAVIS, MARISHA
Yes.
# SAM
Because I lost my ring.
# TALIESIN
It's really not about that, though, is it?
# LIAM
That's a symbol. The person's more important.
# SAM
Five years, then. Married young.
# MARISHA
(stuttering) Happy anniversary. Right?
# SAM
Thank you.
# TRAVIS
Why did you say that?
# MARISHA
That's what people say, right?
# TRAVIS
Usually on the anniversary of when they were married. Not just like, you're married! Happy anniversary!
# MARISHA
Congratulations?
# TRAVIS
Mm-hmm. Better. Yep.
# LIAM
So we have to come up with a plan for what we are doing.
# SAM
For sure, we do.
# LIAM
Rexxentrum is its own set of problems and dangers. Your husband is heading towards Xhorhas and a war. I am not feeling very optimistic about the tunnels, but I have been wrong about many things. So why don't we check out the tunnels? Let's do something positive.
# TRAVIS
Let's get your son out.
# TALIESIN
I'm also, I will admit, not feeling very positive about the tunnels. But we should take a look because the other option is the cart.
# TRAVIS
Let's go. Son. Let's get started.
# SAM
We're going to Luke first, to the son? Sending him on a wagon or something?
# TALIESIN
I believe you gave them quite a bit of money.
# SAM
Sure, but we still have to tell them where to go and when to go. We'll go there.
# LIAM
Should we hire someone to go with them as muscle?
# SAM
Yes! Absolutely.
# TALIESIN
There's probably people coming and going on most of these roads who are used to moving people across.
# SAM
Was there a Jeff fellow? He's a fighter?
# MARISHA
He's a little worse for wear, but he said he had a few friends that fared out okay that are still around. I could ask him for a recommendation.
# SAM
Okay. Well, let's go talk to Edith first, I guess. Ask her if she wants to leave.
# LAURA
While we're going, I'm going to try and send a message to Yeza.
# MATT
Okay. What message do you send?
# LAURA
I'm a friend of Veth. We know you've been taken, but stay hopeful; we're looking for you.
If you can, tell us where you are currently.
# MATT
There's no response, and then a very faint one. "Hello? I don't know. It's very dark.
"I have to be quiet, but thank you." That's it.
# LAURA
Nott, he's alive! He said it's dark and he has to stay quiet, but thank you.
# SAM
(sighs) Good. That means I didn't lie to my son.
# LAURA
We'll find him.
# SAM
I believe it. Yes. All right, let's go to Edith.
# LIAM
Take care of your family.
# SAM
Yes, yes!
# MATT
Do you change your form, or do you show up as Yeza?
# SAM
I mean, we talked about someone else going over there.
# TALIESIN
Scarred for life!
# TRAVIS
Everything's fine! Just going to the beach for a bit.
# MARISHA
Yeah, don't show up as his dad and ship him away. It doesn't work out well, I promise.
# SAM
I don't know. How do we convey this message?
# TRAVIS
It's up to you.
# SAM
(sighs)
# LAURA
Want me to go?
# TALIESIN
You're good with kids, I imagine.
# LAURA
Kids really like me.
# SAM
Everyone likes you. You're lovable.
# LAURA
Thanks, Nott.
# SAM
Don't you think so, Fjord?
# TRAVIS
Mm-hmm.
# SAM
But like, really?
# LAURA
Stop it.
# SAM
Okay.
# LIAM
That's two "stop it"s tonight.
# LAURA
Yeah, there it is. I should go find Old Edith and I'm going to say what?
# SAM
You're going to say: I have a message from Veth. She wants you to go far away, where it's safe, to Alfield. Use the money she gave you.
Men will be here tomorrow to escort you.
# LAURA
There's men coming too?
# SAM
We're going to hire somebody, I don't know.
# LAURA
Okay, okay, okay.
# SAM
Jeff's friend.
# LAURA
I'll go find Old Edith.
# MATT
You find your way to the exterior of Edith's house.
# MARISHA
Geoffman and Geoffrey. Geoff's friends.
# MATT
A few moments pass, a door opens.
"Hi, can I help you?"
# LAURA
Hi, Edith?
# MATT
"Yes."
# LAURA
Hello.
# MATT
"Hello."
# LAURA
You may remember me from the other night.
I was outside? I'm a friend of Veth.
# MATT
"Right, yes. Can I help you?"
# LAURA
Yes. She, of course, had to be on her way because things are hard right now, but she wanted to convey her desire for you and Lucas-- Lucas?
# TRAVIS
Luke.
# LAURA
-- Luke to find your way to Alfield.
# MATT
"Why are we heading to Alfield?"
# LAURA
Because she doesn't think it is safe for you to be here right now. Now, Alfield is very safe and there's a wonderful person there named Bryce, who we've already sent word to because we're pretty powerful, and they'll be expecting you.
She said to use the money that she gave you to head there and get a place to stay and use it for food. Buy yourself something nice, you know?
# MATT
"Oh, okay. How long are we supposed to be staying?"
# LAURA
As long as it takes, because it's pretty dangerous still, but we will be able to send word to you and let you know when it's safe to come home, which is good!
# MATT
"Okay."
# LAURA
You should get your stuff together, because tomorrow somebody will be here to escort you to the city.
# MATT
"Oh, that's nice."
# LAURA
Yeah. Is there anything else I can do for you, Edith?
# TRAVIS
Best customer service ever.
# TALIESIN
Yep.
# MATT
"Does Alfield-- do they have-- I've never been to Alfield, so I'm just wondering-- "never mind." She turns around.
# LAURA
Okay. Bryce will be looking for you!
# MATT
"Bryce, got it!" She turns back to you and goes, "Thank you."
# LAURA
Oh, you're welcome. Have a wonderful day.
# MATT
"You too!"
# SAM
(like Jester) Would you like to take a survey and tell me how my service was?
# LAURA
It will only take five minutes of your time!
# MARISHA
Is it okay that I recorded our conversation?
# TRAVIS
(like Jester) You need to hang up because I can't technically hang up on this call.
# MATT
All righty. You guys go and search for--?
# SAM
Jeff. Jeff's friends.
# MARISHA
Go back to Demi's place, Demi Lovato-- not Demi Lovato.
# MATT, MARISHA
Demi Leric.
# MATT
You find Jeff there as soon as you walk into the door. Demi's off to the side, reading a leather-bound journal that she's either reading or making notes in. She looks up and she goes, "Aye?"
# MARISHA
I look over Demi's shoulder. What is she looking at? What is she reading?
# MATT
No, she pulls it back.
# MARISHA
Oh, hey. Didn't mean to interrupt. This feels sensual in some ways. Tusk Love? No? Anyway--
# SAM
Weird opener.
# TRAVIS
I want to toss you a pickaxe for that shovel you're using.
# MARISHA
Hey, Jeff, your friends--
# MATT
You look over to Jeff, who's like, "Oh, no."
# TRAVIS
(laughing) Don't tap my shoulder again!
# MARISHA
I promise I won't touch you. Your friends that you said were helping you, that fared out better than you did?
# MATT
"Yeah, what about them?"
# MARISHA
Are they a little over their job? You think they might want to take a little walk-about?
# MATT
"I mean, they can't abandon--"
# TRAVIS
(laughing) Their post?
# MATT
"That's-- no! What are you asking?"
# TRAVIS
Fucking AWOL!
# SAM
Cool.
# TRAVIS
They took an oath and shit.
# MARISHA
Do you know of any freelance people? Mercenaries, friends who are semi-trustworthy?
# MATT
"What for?"
# MARISHA
I need an escort to take a couple of people down to Alfield.
# MATT
"To Alfield? That's easy."
# MARISHA
Okay, can you--
# MATT
"My friends can probably do that. It's just to Alfield and back; they can say it's under business."
# MARISHA
Yeah? Does that mean the taxpayers pay for it and we don't have to? Is there a matter of state security?
# MATT
"No, you still have to pay them. This is under the table, technically."
# MARISHA
Oh. That's what I would say.
All right, cool. Where do I find them?
# MATT
"Hold on." (groaning) He sits up and stands up slowly.
# MARISHA
I try and-- let me--
# MATT
The two of you limp down to one of the tiny little seedy bars that doesn't even have a name on the front.
# MARISHA
You don't have to guide me, you could just tell me--
# MATT
"I'm going to put it out there: you don't have a trustworthy face.
"They're not going to talk to you.
I need to introduce you."
# MARISHA
All right. Here, you want a piggyback ride?
# MATT
"Don't you touch me."
# MARISHA
All right. You want a walking stick? I got my staff.
# MATT
"I'll take that." You guys make your way in.
# LAURA
It's got a bow on it.
# MARISHA
It's got a bow, yeah.
It still has a bow.
# MATT
There's a handful of folks here. You see three very, very old farmer-types that this is their retirement, is coming here everyday and complaining and drinking themselves to an early-- earlier-- grave. You do see two crownsguard that are working their way slowly through an ale and chatting to each other. As he walks in, "Hey!" and "Oh, what's up, hey buddy! You're walking around, "that's great!" He's like, (straining) "Yeah, I've got a job for you. What's your name again?"
# MARISHA
Beau.
# MATT
"Beau, this is Jordan and Jay. They're going to go ahead and help you out with this.
How much are you paying?"
# MARISHA
Nott! How much are we paying?
# SAM
Whatever it fucking takes!
# TRAVIS
All your money.
# SAM
Yes, absolutely!
# MATT
"It's to Alfield and back. It's an escort."
# MARISHA
What's the average running cost for an escort?
# MATT
You see the gentleman who was introduced as Jordan goes, "Well, to and from Alfield, that's a "number of days' travel including night camping costs, board, staying there in Alfield. I'd say, "for the each of us round-trip, puts you at about 35 gold pieces."
# SAM
Give him 80.
# LAURA
(sounds of distress)
# TALIESIN
Total.
# MARISHA
I'll give you 80, 40 apiece. You can split it between the two of you.
Extra five gold, make sure you actually give a fuck about this job.
# MATT
"You're a hard negotiator. I respect that.
It's a deal."
# MARISHA
Am I? Yeah. Fuck yeah, man.
Seriously, don't fuck this up.
# MATT
"Okay."
# MARISHA
I will fucking kill you if you fuck it up.
# MATT
"Where did you meet this woman?" He's like, "Look, she's been this way, but she pays well, "apparently, and I want to help you guys out. I'm going to go lay back down," and he starts making his way back with your stick.
# MARISHA
Okay, you got to be at Old Edith's place tonight with a cart. Maybe bring some sleeping bags, some extra food. There's a kid.
# MATT
"I missed the deal, who are we escorting?"
# MARISHA
Old Edith--
# MATT
"Edith?"
# MARISHA
Yeah, and Luke, the kid.
# SAM
To Bryce.
# MARISHA
To Bryce, in Alfield.
# MATT
"All right, I got it. No worries, we got it taken care of. We got you taken care of! "We're good! We're just going to finish our drinks and we'll start getting our stuff together."
# TRAVIS
(pigeon cooing)
# MARISHA
What'd you say?!
# TRAVIS
(cooing) I'm just a pigeon, what do you want?
# MARISHA
You're just cooing!
# LAURA
You're not even saying anything; you're just a pigeon!
# MARISHA
It's just atmosphere.
# MATT
Geoff has made his way partially back to Demi's place with your staff.
# LAURA
Go get your staff back!
# MARISHA
Give me my fucking staff!
# MATT
"Oh, jeez! Okay."
# MARISHA
I do flick him in one of his burns, though, again, just because.
# MATT
(groaning) "What is wrong with you?!"
# MARISHA
You're a good guy, Jeff.
# MATT
"Huh?"
# MARISHA
It's how I show affection.
# MATT
"I don't like you."
# MARISHA
Then I walk off.
# MATT
Okay. He makes his way back. You've hired some crownsguards under the table to keep an eye and escort Edith and Luke over to Alfield to meet with Bryce, where they're going to take care of them to some degree.
# SAM
Okay, so what do we do?
# MATT
Yes, what do you do?
# SAM
Do we go in the tunnels? Do you want to go in the tunnels? Okay.
# LIAM
Well, I imagine the same guards will be out there again. Are we just going to plunge on in and try to--
# TRAVIS
Do we see any of the elven folk of the two that we have been talking about while we're walking around?
# MATT
Make a perception check.
# TALIESIN
Do you want advantage on that, or do you want me to join you?
# TRAVIS
You do it as well.
# TALIESIN
All right. Trying to be good about this.
That's 17.
# MATT
Fjord?
# TRAVIS
That's a one.
# MARISHA
(stammering) You do it as well.
# MATT
Your head turns to the left and you're like, "Where are those-- that cloud looks like an eagle." You, Caduceus, do a pretty fair look around.
You do not recognize anyone that resembles the figures in question.
# TALIESIN
No elves, all right.
# MATT
There are elves around, but maybe two or three since you've come here.
# TALIESIN
Not with intense gravitas.
# MATT
There aren't many elves in Felderwin. Most of the Empire elves are further northward, in the Zemni Fields.
You've seen a few, and a handful of half elves, but none of the type that you are looking for.
These are not the elves you're looking for.
# MARISHA
Can I also, just for blanket statement, I take my gold and I parcel it out and put it in different pockets, ever since Hupperdook.
# MATT
Okay. Would you like to buy more pockets? Or pouches?
# SAM
Buy more pockets.
# MATT
I mean, unless you're walking around like Rob Liefeld character--
# MARISHA
I was just going to say, is this a Liefeld comic?
# TALIESIN
I assume that we live in a Liefeld universe where as you're born, you accumulate pockets slowly all over you.
# MATT
Yeah, and you grow more and more teeth.
# TALIESIN
All the way down the ankle, yeah.
# MATT
Your feet vanish.
# MARISHA
Sure. I will Liefeld float to the nearest general store and pick up a few extra pockets.
# SAM
Hi, I'm here to buy some pockets?
# TALIESIN
I'm so sorry, I'm all out.
# LIAM
We just won Dungeons & Dragons, guys.
# MATT
Easy enough. You head over to the Felderwin General, helmed by Dupont Briggsman, this young dwarven salesman. Tanned skin, light brown hair, a bit of a chin beard. He says, "Are you looking for pockets, you said?"
# MARISHA
Mm-hmm. What kind of pockets you got?
# MATT
"Well, belt pouches, I've got money belts, if that's what you're looking for."
# MARISHA
Do you have one of those where it goes around your neck, but tucks in on the inside of your shirt?
# MATT
"I've got something that you could probably affix that would be similar, maybe."
# MARISHA
I'll get one of those and I get one of the money belts. Does anybody else want a money belt? (shouting) Stocking up on money belts!
# TRAVIS
What?
# MARISHA
Money belts!
# SAM
You brought us here for money belts. My husband is being kidnapped by crick terrorists.
# MARISHA
Honestly, I thought that it was just going to be a little quick thing and he was going to be like, "For brevity's sake," like he does, but he didn't.
# SAM
Sure. Nope, this is a full scene.
# MARISHA
I just want pockets.
# MATT
"So just the two?"
# MARISHA
Sure.
# MATT
"Let's say, eight silver?"
# MARISHA
Done.
# MATT
"All right, there you go." Passes it over.
# MARISHA
Okay, let's go.
# TALIESIN
Let's head to the tunnel and if that doesn't pan out, we'll start heading north.
# LAURA
I rearrange some things on the shelves as she's doing that.
# MATT
Make a sleight of hand check for me.
# SAM
Oh, fuck you.
# LAURA
16.
# TRAVIS
Arrested.
# MATT
He is happily picking out and handing over belt pouches as you completely disorganize his probably very carefully and intentionally placed system. Well done.
# LAURA
Thanks.
# SAM
Okay, off to the tunnels.
# TRAVIS, SAM, LAURA
(shouting) Tunnels!
# MATT
You sense a faint smile over your shoulder.
# MATT, MARISHA
(singing) Secret tunnel.
# MATT
All right, making your way-- oh?
# SAM
Any guards around there?
# MATT
Oh yes. You see each tunnel has somewhere in the neighborhood of five to six guards stationed to each. Some of them are just sitting down, bored with their posting. They've been told to keep watch, but not a whole lot's happening until you guys approach. You're heading towards the center tunnel, which is the one that already has the fairly deep dig, and as you approach, the guards all stand up. Some of them are holding spears and are using them to get to their feet. They look over in your direction. These are not the same guards you spoke to last night.
# SAM
Fjord? Caduceus, any ideas on how to get our cart down into the tunnel?
# TRAVIS
Wheel it?
# SAM
To get past the guards?
# TALIESIN
We honestly first have to even see if it's possible to get in there.
# LIAM
We'll be lucky if we can proceed. I don't think we can take the cart with us.
# MATT
The width of the tunnel as it is, the cart's going to be a very tight fit, let alone getting two horses to pull it for you underground.
# TALIESIN
I have a funny feeling that this is less of a "we can walk all the way to Albuquerque" as more as a there's possibly something down there or they're still in there that's just a little bit of a--
# SAM
It's been weeks. They're not down there.
This is folly.
# TALIESIN
I don't think they've been moving the whole time.
# LIAM
It's worth just checking the box. Perhaps it connects to a larger cave system that they used-- we don't know-- but the cart cannot come.
# SAM
The easiest way to check is for, sorry, Jester, to go look.
# LAURA
Yeah. I'll go look. If we can get down there. Hey, so, we were here yesterday.
# MATT
They all look at each other and one of them who looks probably to have a little more authority who has probably been assigned to be the head of the rest of the crownsguard, steps forward and goes, "Yeah, what of it?"
# TRAVIS
We're part of a research expedition. We were here and we were hoping we could toss you a little bit of coin and, you know, check out this area here a bit.
# TALIESIN
We pinged something in the center cave and we just needed to reconvene before we came back to take a look at it.
# MATT
"And by whose guidance are you assigned to do this?"
# MARISHA
Cobalt Soul. Beauregard. Been taking notes. From Zadash.
# MATT
"They've signed authority?"
# MARISHA
Yeah, it's called this belt and these vestiges on my fucking body.
# LAURA
Shit.
# MATT
"You make a deception check, you make an intimidation check."
# SAM
You just pointed to two orange pockets.
# MATT
Made in Felderwin.
# TRAVIS
24.
# MARISHA
15. You said intimidation, right?
# MATT
Yes. The guy looks at both of you and his chest-puffed moment of bravado begins to slowly deflate and goes, "Right, okay. What are you looking to do? You just inspecting?"
# TRAVIS
It's very boring, actually. Yeah. Quite tedious. You use little picks and little brushes, and we covered little--
# MATT
"Yeah, yeah. I don't really--"
# TRAVIS
You take a while, and then you brush it and spit on it, you know? Did you want to join?
# MATT
"No."
# TRAVIS
It's really quite relaxing. Actually, my friend over here can attest to it.
# TALIESIN
Actually, he'll keep talking like this if we don't get him to work.
I don't know how that-- I don't really--
# MATT
"Oh, just do your thing."
# TALIESIN
I'm on you. Fjord and I--
# MATT
He steps aside. The other guards, they're eyeing you close; they still have a job to do.
They don't trust you implicitly, but at least they're stepping out of your path to let you go about what business you're attending to.
# LAURA
So we can get down to the barrier where it stops being clear?
# MATT
You can climb down because it starts off pretty decent. Where's the cart being left? Or are you bringing it down with you?
# LAURA
It's staying at the inn for the time being.
# MATT
Okay. The cart has been set at the inn then.
Are you pre-purchasing board for it?
# TRAVIS
Yes.
# LAURA
Sure.
# LIAM
Yeah, I will cover the cost of that.
# MATT
I mean, it can stay there as long as you're renting rooms there, but if you just want it to be kept there, it's a little bit cheaper, but you still have to pay in advance for how long you intend to leave it there for storage.
# TALIESIN
We don't really know what this is going to look like yet.
# TRAVIS
Nope.
# SAM
Two weeks.
# TRAVIS
Three. Deal.
# SAM
So 16 days.
# LIAM
Excuse me, how much would it cost to house our cart here for a month?
# MATT
Right. You come back and, talking to Simone Deepwell, he's like, "All right, so, three weeks, you're saying?"
# LIAM
A month.
# MATT
"A month. Okay. Just the cart and the horse? All right, I'll go ahead and talk to Babs about "holding the horse, we can go to--"
# SAM
The answer is yes. Whatever it costs.
# MATT
"Oh, okay. Well, for board on that, it's going to run about three silver a night.
"We'll say for 30 nights it'll be--"
# SAM
Done.
# TRAVIS
We kill him.
# MATT
That's 90 silver, so nine gold pieces for the month.
# LIAM
Not a problem. Here you are. One. Two.
# LAURA
No!
# SAM
Take care of it.
# MARISHA
It's like being at the DMV.
# MATT
(fast forward noise) Back up to the point.
You guys make yourselves down into the tunnel.
Three guards do follow behind at a distance, just keeping an eye on what you're doing.
# SAM
Who's going in?
# LAURA, TALIESIN
We're all going in.
# SAM
No, but who's going past?
# LAURA
Me.
# TALIESIN
Are you going to be all right?
# LAURA
Yeah.
# SAM
She's super strong.
# LAURA
Sure, and I will stay super strong as I get down there and Polymorph myself.
# MATT
Oh shit. Into?
# LAURA
A mole? A gopher? Maybe a gopher.
# TALIESIN
What's big? A tiny gopher?
# LAURA
You know what burrows that's bigger, is a honey badger.
# SAM
Oh yeah.
# LAURA
A honey badger. They burrow and are stronger, too.
# MATT
Okay, hold on here.
# TALIESIN
Wait a minute? Can you make people bigger?
# LIAM
For a brief period of time, yeah. Brief.
# TALIESIN
Can you make a honey badger bigger?
# LIAM
Yeah, for a minute.
# TRAVIS
The size of a dog?
# MATT
A beast of any challenge rating that is equal to or less than the target.
So it can be a CR seven or lower.
# MARISHA
Liam Las Vegas is having a weird day.
# MATT
Actually, technically, because-- as you guys rested for the evening and you've completed your journey here and you've begun this next venture-- technically for the night, you guys would hit level eight.
# ALL
What?!
# MATT
This is a heads up.
# LIAM
Oh jeez.
# MATT
We'll deal with that shortly, but for the time being, a CR eight or smaller beast, you could be.
# LAURA
Okay, okay, okay. Where would I find that on D&D Beyond?
# LIAM
Creatures.
# MATT
You go to Monsters and you would choose Beast.
# LIAM
All the way to the right, Creatures.
# MATT
Then for the CR range, you would put from-- I'd say, for safety, one to eight.
# LAURA
Where are you finding it?
# SAM
You're right, there's not really anywhere to look.
# TALIESIN
Wait.
# LAURA
I don't see Creatures.
# LIAM
Creatures is over here, so Actions, blah blah blah, all of them are right--
# SAM
Yeah, and then what?
# LIAM
Tap it and then search. Just start typing in a name.
# TRAVIS
Honey badger does not come up.
# MATT
Welcome to the world of the druid.
# LAURA
Oh god.
# LIAM
Then use... Google.
# LAURA
Oh my gosh, wait? This is too complicated.
I got lost in the-- it got lost in the nervous!
# SAM
This won't be a problem when I'm the president.
(laughter)
# LIAM
For a badger, a honey badger?
# MARISHA
You can just-- I think if you go to the top and search "CR 8."
# LAURA
Look up level eight.
# MATT
Look up from levels one to eight.
# SAM
Elephant, ape, giant constrictor snake, giant elk.
# LAURA
I need something that burrows.
# TRAVIS
Be an elk.
# TALIESIN
Don't be an elk.
# TRAVIS
Be an elk and kill all of these fucking soldiers. (roars)
# MARISHA
So majestic. So proud.
# MATT
You know what? Laura, make an intelligence check.
# LAURA
Oh god. Aww.
# LIAM
As high as challenge rating what?
# LAURA
Oh! I rolled pretty-- I think I-- Hold on, I've got to get back to my character.
# TALIESIN
You rolled really well, though.
# LAURA
I did, I rolled pretty good.
# TALIESIN
Hit the view-- yeah, there you go.
# LAURA
Hit the view button, Laura.
# TALIESIN
I get lost in here, so, I feel it.
# LAURA
Okay. Plus-- so 16! I rolled well, but my intelligence is pretty lame.
# MATT
Okay. There are beasts in the wild. There are wolves, there are cats, there are bears.
You've run across a number of larger versions of these, more dangerous and ominous ones, like when you were in the Savalierwood briefly, you came across a few dire wolves. Use your creative mind on what other possible dire creatures might exist.
# LAURA
Oh, like a dire badger?
# MATT
You can try it.
# LAURA
Okay, I want to be a dire honey badger!
# MATT
Whether or not one exists, the creative imagination of Jester creates a Polymorph form as you watch her body expand and extend into a massive honey badger, maybe six feet from nose to tail tip, with a series of bony protrusions that run down its back like two spines.
Large teeth and claws that definitely arc and curve outward to about five, six inches beyond the center of the paw, unretracted.
# TRAVIS
Unretracted.
# LAURA
(snorting)
# MATT
You watch as the guards take a step back, like, "Uh..."
# TRAVIS
It's all normal down here, how are you?
# LAURA
I turn back and I go (giggle).
# MATT
How long does that last? It lasts for an hour?
# LAURA
Yeah. Can I talk in Polymorph? No, I'm straight up that thing.
# MATT
No, you are a dire honey badger.
# LAURA
(honey badger sounds)
# SAM
Dig!
# LAURA
I'm digging! That's what I'm doing! That's just-- that's what this-- (snarling)
# MATT
All right, I will say-- go ahead and make an athletics check for me, adding what would be the honey badger's strength, a dire honey badger-- I'll say plus three. So, roll a d20, add plus three.
# LAURA
Aww! It was so good and then it went to shit!
# SAM
Aww, it was so close. Yeah, it did.
# LAURA
Eight.
# MATT
It's going to take you-- it's a good period of time here of you carving through and taking a break.
# TALIESIN
I'm going to cast Bless on the honey badger just to see if that will help.
I'm going to Bless the honey badger.
# LAURA
Do I add plus a d4?
# MATT
You would've had to cast it in advance, but I'll say, in watching this happen-- Bless only lasts a minute, but for that time period, you get a little further and we'll say you start getting more and more exhausted, and then you reach a certain point where the spell expires and your form reverts to a very sweaty, exhausted Jester.
You've carved quite a way. You've pushed probably an additional, in the past hour-- Oh, man.
Another hundred or so feet into the tunnel.
# SAM
Cast it again.
# LAURA
(panting) I can't. It is a really high level. Oh, wait.
Do I get another level four at level eight? I don't know.
# MATT
I'm going to go check right now for you.
# LAURA
Oh my god.
# TALIESIN
I'm going to start tapping on the walls of that tunnel-- Well, no.
That tunnel's really thin. If we can--
# MATT
At level eight, you get a second 4th-level slot.
# LAURA
I have another 4th-level spell, you guys.
I can do it again!
# SAM
Do it again!
# LAURA
Okay. (deep breath)
# MATT
(boosh) Back into your dire honey badger form.
# TALIESIN
And Bless!
# MATT
Go ahead and make another athletics check.
Add plus three, plus a d4.
# LAURA
Don't fuck me!
# LIAM
Get us to the Underdark, Laura! Take us to the Underdark.
# MARISHA
Gil!
# LAURA
Gil fucked me.
# TALIESIN
Add your plus four; your d4.
# LAURA
Okay. Well, at least that's ten.
# MATT
Ten. Okay.
# MARISHA
He fucked you.
# LAURA
He fucked me.
# MATT
Anyway.
# TRAVIS
Gil!
# MATT
You push on for the next 40 or 50 or so minutes, getting an additional 70, 80 feet before eventually one of your paws goes through.
You carve through, and you reach the other side of this collapsed tunnel.
# TRAVIS
And we all instantly die.
# LAURA
Yeah, right?
# MATT
As the molten l-- No, I'm kidding.
# TRAVIS
No!
# MATT
No.
# TALIESIN
Minecraft!
# MATT
We've all made this mistake, Taliesin.
# TALIESIN
No!
# LIAM
Pick, pick, pick, argh!
# MATT
Granite, granite!
# LAURA
As soon as I make a hole I'll turn back into myself and peek through.
# MATT
Make a perception check.
# LAURA
Do we still have Bless? No, that only lasts for a minute. 14.
# MATT
14. As you look past, there's no light source in there, and the hole is only large enough for you to kind of fit your torso through as you glance in. But in the distance you can see-- What is the distance on your darkvision, 60 feet?
# LAURA
Yes.
# MATT
Pretty sure it's 60 feet. It's a pretty standard 60 feet for--
# LAURA
Darkvision, 60 feet; yes.
# MATT
Got you. The tunnel widens and drops off, like a cliff. You hear a very, very faint sound.
It sounds like running water.
# LAURA
Is everybody with me?
# TRAVIS
Uh-huh.
# MATT
They're behind you, yeah.
# LAURA
You guys! I think there's a river down here!
# SAM
They didn't just burrow from Xhorhas, they floated.
# LAURA
Yeah! That's how they do it so quickly or whatever.
# MARISHA
I wonder where this underwater system goes.
# TRAVIS
Yeah, they all float down here.
# SAM
Nope.
# MATT
Don't want to run into that CR creature.
# MARISHA
It's like a stream? Oh, we're not there yet.
# MATT
You're not there.
# MARISHA
We haven't seen anything yet.
Okay, never mind.
# SAM
Can you send some light down there?
# TALIESIN
I'm not-- I don't know where we are.
# MATT
You guys are all back in the tunnel. It's been dug through, and all of a sudden Jester creates a small hole and then plugs it with herself. You just see the back of Jester, halfway stuck; almost like Winnie the Pooh trying to exit the domicile.
# TALIESIN
You'd have to flip around and come back, I suppose.
# LAURA
Yeah, I pull my head back out.
# TRAVIS
Or you could go check it out by yourself and see what it is.
# LAURA
What am I? Who do you think I am?
# TRAVIS
Jester.
# SAM
Caleb, go look.
# TALIESIN
Do not send the cleric into the pit of the unknown!
# LIAM
Oh, this new item.
# SAM
The ball?
# LIAM
It follows me.
# MARISHA
Keep it away from Fjord.
# SAM
You'll break it. Just send some Dancing Lights.
# LAURA
Send some Dancing Lights in there.
# LIAM
I know, I was just curious about my new-- Okay.
# MATT
Okay, globes appear. By the way, I'm trying to remember. Did you guys take the gray vial with you or did you leave it behind?
# LAURA
No, we took it.
# LIAM
Yeah, and the tripod.
# MATT
Got you. Cool.
# TALIESIN
We have all the dumb shit we shouldn't have.
# MATT
Before we moved on, I just want to make sure.
# TRAVIS
We didn't Identify it, though, did we?
# LIAM
No.
# MATT
The globes appear. Are you on the other side of the chamber?
# SAM
He went in.
# MATT
Did you go through the hole?
# LIAM
The hole that was dug by our honey badger?
# MATT
Correct.
# LIAM
Yeah.
# MATT
All right. You step through and (bloom, bloom, bloom) the orbs appear, and it illuminates the chamber. And it is a chamber. What you've stepped into appears to be a subterranean cavern.
About 30 or 40 feet ahead of you it drops off, and looks to be about a ten-foot drop before it hits another straightaway. As it curves to the left, you've already smelled the minerals and the hard water smell of the interior of this chamber.
You glance over to the side and let the orbs drift over a little further, and you can see a river.
It's an underground river, and it seems to have carved its way through this lower portion of the chamber. It vanishes further below into--
# LIAM
As a point, can I tell if we're walking into any bullshit?
# MATT
Make a perception check.
# LIAM
Ja, okay. Real bad: nine.
# MATT
Coast looks clear.
# MARISHA, TRAVIS
Nein!
# MATT
But you also notice, as the orbs move through, there are crystal-like, I want to say like quartz crystals, that jut from certain portions of the ceiling, and elements of various-- I always mess up on this: stalactites.
# SAM
Yes!
# LAURA
Yeah.
# MATT
I've taught myself a million times since I was a kid, and it always transposes--
# TALIESIN
At the last second.
# MATT
I know! I'm always like-- Ugh, never right.
Stalactites that come down quite a bit from about a 15-foot-high ceiling from where you're standing, that almost reach the floor where you are.
But over this point where it hangs-- Or where it ends and goes further below.
Do you send the orbs out further?
# LIAM
No, I'm going to pull them back to me and lose three of them, and pull out that rag that I carry around, and cover them so that it's even dimmer. My transmutation stone is set so that I can see in dim light.
# TALIESIN
I'm going to be the last one. Who's the last one going through the tunnel before we head over?
# MATT
Are you all going through?
# TRAVIS
Going through.
# LIAM
Who wants to walk with me?
# SAM
Yes.
# MATT
As you're doing this, the one guard is, "Oh hey, uh--"
# TALIESIN
Yeah. We've just gotten access to a small pocket that we're just going to check out, make sure everything's safe and appropriate. We'll have a full report once we've finished taking a look inside and we'll be delivering it. But in the meantime, let's not cause any undue panic.
We'll let you know, or we'll make some noise if anything dangerous is down there. It still could not be safe. You're welcome to come, but I'm not sure if it's going to be-- I can't guarantee any safety beyond this point.
# MATT
Make a deception check.
# SAM
Is that deception? All right.
# MATT
It's riding a line. I'll allow persuasion.
Only because you're being vague enough with it that you're riding the line.
# TALIESIN
Okay, thank you. Okay, that's a 20.
# MATT
He goes, "Okay, I guess just give us a holler if something goes down."
# TALIESIN
Thank you, sir. I appreciate everything that you do and--
# MATT
"Give a loud holler. We're going to probably scoot back, this is a bit creepy."
# TALIESIN
If things go real wrong, you'll definitely hear us.
# TRAVIS
(yells)
# MATT
(surprised exclamation)
# TRAVIS
Sorry, I tripped. My fault.
# TALIESIN
I'll make sure that he's quiet, because we don't mind losing him.
# MATT
"Well, good luck."
# TALIESIN
I appreciate that.
# MATT
"Okay." He turns around, the guards start leaving. You hear this very faint, echoing voice going, "They're fucking crazy!"
# TALIESIN
Crazy like a badger! (badger noises) I'm into it.
# MATT
So you guys make your way through the tunnel and join Caleb.
# TALIESIN
Mm-hmm.
# MATT
As you all step into the interior, you can also take in that smell of long-sealed underground water, hearing the rushing of the small river. You can see where the path continues on, and with the dim glow and the darkvision, where it curves forward you can see a faint natural arch that looks to be a continuation of the tunnel.
# TALIESIN
Out of curiosity, those crystals feel utterly natural, right? It just feels like those were not--
# MATT
Make a nature check.
# TALIESIN
All right.
# SAM
Do we have anything to float on? A boat or anything?
# TALIESIN
Seven.
# TRAVIS
A boat?
# MATT
Seven? Probably?
# MARISHA
We left it in Nicodranas.
# TALIESIN
All right.
# TRAVIS
I have this boat dagger, I throw it at the wall and (fwoosh).
# TALIESIN
I'm thinking about Detect-- Nah.
# LAURA
I could draw one!
# SAM
Fuck yes.
# TALIESIN
Just before we move on, is anyone bothered by these crystals? Is this--
# SAM
Are they creepy?
# LIAM
Do you hear anything? Do you see any kind of traps left behind?
# TALIESIN
I'm a little out of my element, which is surprising to say.
# SAM
Traps? On the ceiling? Sure, I'll look for traps.
# LIAM
The people could put them on the ground or anywhere.
# MATT
Make a perception check.
# TALIESIN
It's difficult, because we don't really understand how they work.
# SAM
Investigation?
# MATT
This is perception because you're looking at things in the distance as opposed to carefully checking what's on the floor.
# SAM
Perception. 17.
# MATT
17? Does not appear to be trapped.
# TALIESIN
All right.
# SAM
Looks okay.
# TALIESIN
Let's all prepare to be a little confused by whatever we find.
We're going to be way out of our element.
# MATT, TRAVIS
Dead men tell no tales...
# LAURA
Should I cast Pass Without Trace on us and stuff?
# SAM
There's nothing to hide from.
# TRAVIS
Yeah, there's nobody down here but us.
# SAM
You need your spells for other things.
# TALIESIN
If we start to hear something.
# MARISHA
Feels like there's always things to hide from. I don't know.
# TRAVIS
Except now.
# MARISHA
Okay.
# LAURA
I cast Pass Without Trace on all of us.
# SAM
Guys, there's no one I would rather go rescue my husband with.
# MARISHA, TALIESIN
Aww.
# MARISHA
Did you all get a honeymoon?
# SAM
No, we never did.
# MARISHA
On the way back: great road trip.
# SAM
You're right.
# MARISHA
With seven of your other best friends.
# SAM
You're right, we never-- We always talked about going to... Tal'Dorei-- (laughter)
For our honeymoon. Never happened. We were saving! I heard Whitestone's really nice.
# TALIESIN
Tourist trap.
# MARISHA
Especially in the spring.
(laughing) Tourist trap!
# LIAM
From everything I read, Ghor Dranas is mysterious and exotic, so let's press on.
I'm going to start walking forward.
# TALIESIN
Let's go.
# MATT
As you guys begin to step forward into the darkened, subterranean shadows of this newly discovered tunnel system, and wherever it will lead you eastward, we're going to go ahead and end tonight's episode there.
# LAURA
God!
# LIAM
Da da da!
# LIAM, LAURA
Da da da!
# SAM
Dun dun dun!
# LAURA
We are going to have to take a break or like a long rest, because I want my 4th-level spells back, you guys.
# SAM
What are you talking about? You just used two to be a badger twice.
# TALIESIN
We're going to take a long rest at some point. I mean, we're moving, but we're going to obviously have to sleep.
# SAM
We're going to Xhorhas? To do what?
# TRAVIS
No, we're looking around the corner.
Slow your roll.
# SAM
Aww, around the corner-- It's 1000 miles away!
# TRAVIS
You don't know that.
# TALIESIN
We might find a portal down here, you don't know what's here.
# LIAM
They might have a little mini-base.
# TALIESIN
A tiny subterranean boat filled with gummy bears.
# SAM
Ooh, should we roll for level eight?
# MATT
Yes, you should.
# SAM
What do we do?
# MARISHA
HP, HP, HP!
# SAM
How do we do this?
# LIAM
I don't like it, it makes me nervous.
# MARISHA
A d8, I think.
# LAURA
(singing) Level up!
# SAM
When I'm president, they'll just level up for you.
# MATT
That's what I want out of my Dungeons & Dragons experience.
# SAM
How do you do this? Oh god.
# LAURA
You just go-- It's over-- Go back to your character page.
# SAM
I'm lost already.
# MATT
You take a d8 die-- Sam, you've played this game for--
# LIAM
Argh, damn it! Self-fulfilling prophecy.
# MATT, MARISHA
What'd you roll?
# LIAM
I rolled a one.
# MATT
You reroll ones.
# LIAM
(triumphant gibberish) Six!
# MATT
There you go, that's better.
# LIAM
Yeah! Plus two.
# SAM
Manage levels.
# LAURA
Then you go up to level eight.
# MARISHA
Plus your constitution modifier.
# LAURA
Then you go to manage HP.
# TRAVIS
Six, plus...
# SAM
There we go, manage HP.
# TRAVIS
What is it, a d8 plus anything?
# MARISHA
Six!
# TALIESIN
Three.
# LIAM
I have 47 hit points, I am invincible!
# LAURA
Seven!
# SAM
I roll a d8, apparently. Six.
# MATT
Man, Six six six. Oh, oh!
# TRAVIS
Hail Satan!
# SAM
Where do I put that? Modifier?
# LAURA
No, you add six to your roll. HP, yeah.
# MATT
It's six plus your constitution modifier, but when you level up, it should add that automatically in D&D Beyond.
# TALIESIN
Constitution modifier auto-adds.
# MATT
Yeah. So you just add the number you rolled.
# SAM
Ooh, ability score improvement!
# MATT
Yeah, you guys get to choose to either add plus two to one of your ability scores, or plus one to two different scores, or choose a feat.
# LAURA
Holy moly!
# SAM
Oh, shit!
# MATT
This'll give you a week to consider, you don't have to consider it right now.
# TALIESIN
I'm already going for it.
# SAM
What are you going for?
# TALIESIN
I'm doubling the range of my spellcasting.
# SAM
You can do that?
# TALIESIN
Yep.
# SAM
All spells?
# LIAM
Spell Sniper, man.
# MATT
Spell Sniper.
# LAURA
That's pretty sick.
# TALIESIN
I want to be able to heal from a great distance.
# LIAM
He's healing at distance.
He's healing for speed--
# LAURA
Ooh, I can infuse my weapons with poison!
# MATT
Yeah, your melee attacks do additional poison damage.
# SAM
Oh my god, so much I can do!
# TRAVIS
(singing) There's so much I can do.
# TALIESIN
"When you cast a spell that requires you to make an attack roll, the spell's range is doubled. Your ranged spell attacks ignore half cover and three-quarter cover. You learn one cantrip that requires an attack roll, choose the cantrip from the Cleric or Druid spell list. Your spellcasting ability for this cantrip is wisdom."
# MATT
It does not help your healing distance, unfortunately.
# TALIESIN
Oh, really?
# MATT
It's attack spells.
# TALIESIN
Oh, that may change my decision, then.
# MATT
Spells that have an attack roll, that's the key. Like, Guiding Bolt: you double your range, but it doesn't affect your healing.
# TALIESIN
Or like Bane or Bless, it doesn't help.
# MATT
Correct.
# TALIESIN
Okay, that changes things.
I may play with that.
# SAM
Oh, by the way: we've all agreed; no one this whole campaign is taking Lucky, right?
# TALIESIN
I've literally taken it twice already. I mean, I had options, but I don't remember what they are off the top of my head.
# TRAVIS
No one gets Luck?
# SAM
It's the worst fucking feat.
# LAURA
But it's the best feat!
# SAM
It breaks the game!
# TALIESIN
It's the thief of one-shots.
# SAM
No. No one's doing Lucky. I'm decreeing it as your president.
# MATT
It doesn't break the game, it's just slightly OP.
# TRAVIS
You are not even the president-elect yet.
I need to see more speeches before I know where my vote's going.
# SAM
We'll see who runs against me.
# MARISHA
Free vending machine in the lobby, then I vote for you.
# LAURA
Are you running against him and you're going to give that?
# TALIESIN
Or the vending machine is running against him.
# MARISHA
No, I'm not. No, I'm not doing that. I'm just saying, and I-- Nope.
# MATT
We'll see what people say. Anyway, you guys have a week to decide. Put some thought to it.
And, for the rest of us, thank you for tuning in for this emotional rollercoaster of a fucking episode.
We'll see you soon enough. Until then, have a wonderful week, we love you, and is it Thursday yet?
# LIAM
Cheers.
# MATT
Good night, guys.
[no audio] [music]
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